My Online Dating Experience

The End (Round One)

2006-03-17T23:47:00.000-08:00

My apologies for abandoning this blog the way I did without wrapping things up- I was just doing my impression of all the guys I "met" on Match. The last guy seemed like a great prospect. We exchanged about four emails each then he asked for my phone number. I sent it to him and that was the last I heard from him. Another mystery. Up until the point I sent my number, Match showed that he logged on to the site daily. Then he didn't log on for a week. By the time he did, my membership had ended so there's no way to know if he emailed me but I assume he didn't.

The disappearing guys really perplexed me. As has been established here, I'm very analytical, both about others and myself. There were a couple of emails I sent where I could have deciphered some sort of reason for not receiving a response. But these guys all vanished after brief, straightforward emails. Regardless of their reasons for being flaky, their lack of consideration will probably keep them single for a long time.

Some things I learned in this round of online dating:

1) Given that many qualities I possess and many that I'm looking for in a man don't fit the typical mold, I really have to make a concerted effort to find a partner. An online dating stint every couple years probably won't cut it. I have to make this a bigger priority. It's so easy to get caught up in other aspects of life and then suddenly realize that months have passed without catering to relationship needs. I'm guessing that a lot of professional women who are content with themselves fall into the same trap. I'm glad I finally woke up to the fact that finding a good man is going to take some real effort.

2) I'm not the boy-crazy girl I used to be. One of the big mistakes I made this round was limiting the number of guys I corresponded with to one or two at a time. The reason I did it was so that I wouldn't let someone fall by the wayside if one interested me more. That's because I used to be the type who got really excited about a new guy who sounded great on paper. But now I'm at a place in life where even the ones who seemed perfect for me didn't occupy my thoughts beyond the time it took to respond to their email. Next time around I'm going to find good prospects and compose emails to them before I even sign up for the dating service.

3) A three-month subscription is too long. For the price, it seems like a better idea than a one-month subscription but it allows for procrastination and boredom to set in. Plus, by month three, I was barely receiving any emails or even page views. I'll be better off joining for a month here and there when I know I can devote a decent amount of energy to the process. And I'll definitely avoid subscribing over the holidays!

So that's it for round one. In the next month or so, I plan to take advantage of Yahoo Personal's one week free membership and see how I like their service. I might check out a couple more dating services though I suspect I'll eventually be back at Match. Thanks to all who have read this blog and supported my efforts. Please check back in a few weeks for round two. Hopefully that one will have a more exciting ending.

Tags: match, online dating, internet dating, yahoo personals, relationships

Day 88: Puzzling

2006-02-16T11:51:00.000-08:00

Match.com stats:
Total profile views: 2424
Optimism level: It ain't over 'til it's over.

The title sums up my Match experience over the last couple weeks. I'll start with the guy I mentioned in my last post who sounded promising. He's definitely the best looking guy to write me and his email showed some personality. Though his profile says he lives in Florida, he said he was moving out to LA the next week. I sent him a brief note and indicated I understood it must be hectic with the move so he should drop me a line when he had a chance. Basically, I was giving him an easy out to wait until he actually got settled before writing me back. But he ended up responding the very next day. In both his letters, he was very complimentary about my looks and there was a hint we might meet for a drink. I sent an even shorter reply- maybe two sentences- in which I kind of laughed about something he'd written and said I was curious to hear the full story.

Never heard from him again.

It was the weirdest thing. In his second (and last) letter he'd written, "I need a big single malt scotch and a kiss," which I thought was a bit presumptuous. To go from that to disappearing makes absolutely no sense to me. I've since checked his profile and it still says he lives in Florida, so I almost wonder if I was some sort of test subject for him. Who knows?

Then about a week ago I found a profile that looked great: tall, agnostic, hottie from France. Ooh la la! We exchanged a couple emails and I threw out the meeting suggestion. He wrote: "e-mails are fine indeed to initiate a contact, but I prefere to have an one-on-one talk...besides I can't resist your fordwardness. I live in La by Beverly Hills....Is Tuesday night ok for you?" Tuesday was Valentine's Day. I don't know if he didn't realize it was Valentine's Day or if he just didn't care but it really didn't matter to me so I accepted. I threw out a time and asked if he had any location preferences.

Never heard from him again.

Not only that, his profile vanished from Match the following day. Again, totally baffling. Maybe he did know it was V-Day and thought I was some kind of loser for accepting a blind date invitation. Had either of the guys disappeared after the first letter from me, it wouldn't have been so surprising but for the life of me, I can't figure either of these out.

On the bright side (I hope), there's another guy I've corresponded with a few times who actually sounds like a better match than the others on a personality level. He asked for my number, which I sent him yesterday. If this one disappears too, I might have to investigate to find out if there's some sort of Match relocation program they're all being sent to.

Match Humor love Personals Relationships Dating

The Date (Final)

2006-01-30T00:55:00.000-08:00

So...when I left off, my wine was sucking but my car was ticket-free. I suggested why don't we plan a time in advance to end the date no matter how well it might be going to avoid any awkwardness later. He liked the idea. I would have been generous and suggested 9:30 or 10:00 but luckily he jumped right in with 9:00. I liked that A LOT. We had the obligatory Match.com discussion where he seemed to say Match every other word and quite loudly at that. I'm not embarrassed to be doing the online dating thing but saying Match over and over when we were so obviously strangers only encourages eavesdroppers in the tiny space. It's one of those words that grabs your attention from the next table, kind of like "nipple" or "fart."

He had very unsettling conversational habits. A good conversation flows seemlessly from topic to topic. This did not. When he was done with a subject, he would stop abruptly and look right at me. There was no glancing away, no tapering off to let me know I'd be up at bat any moment. Just silence with a stare. It freaked me out, though not enough to stop my mind from wandering through most of his talking. I'm usually a very good listening but I was everywhere but there. He was just like his profile- nothing interesting, nothing memorable. At one point, I noticed how bad my posture was. I was sitting slightly to the side with both my arms and legs crossed. The body language experts would have a field day with that. Strangely, he was sitting forward on the table, which would appear that he was interested, but I knew he wasn't. I also spent a couple minutes pondering how we would finally part and tried to come up with something to say but was soon faced with a stare and had to leave my happy place.

It seemed like we'd gone way over our 9:00 deadline but I didn't want to check the time on my phone as it would be a reminder that I have a purse and that there's money in my purse and that I might pay for my drink. So I kept hoping the waitress would come by and relieve me of my misery. That's when he mentioned it was 9:00. I couldn't believe it had only been an hour, less actually. It seriously felt like a good two hours or more.

Finally the server dropped our check. I paused for a moment while he reached for his wallet, then very slowly picked up my purse. There was no mention from him of buying. Hey, I can understand a guy not wanting to pay the bill for a woman he doesn't want to see again. But the fact is, he wrote to me and I'm the one who drove out to his neck of the woods. Rather than choosing a location where it cost him $13 for a glass of wine, maybe he should have chosen one of the thousands of other places where he could have bought both our drinks for that price. Cheap ass.

We headed out and just as I guessed, we had that awkward goodbye moment. Usually when people leave each other, there's some mention of a future meeting, but I knew that wasn't coming out of either of our mouths. I just laughed and said, "Well, maybe we'll write, maybe we won't." And with that, I left.

The next day, I thought about him not buying my drink and was curious to see if he'd listed his income on his page so I went to check it out. His profile was gone! I don't know why it was gone, but it seemed funny, like he'd skipped town immediately. Later that day, I received an email from him. For the life of me, I couldn't imagine why he'd be writing so I put off reading it for a day. I finally did and it said:

I enjoyed meeting you last night. I'll be honest and say I don't think
we quite have the chemistry I was looking for, but wanted to at least drop you a
line rather than disappear from the planet :-) Best wishes on your search.

I really can't fault him for sending it but it couldn't have been more unnecessary.

And that's the end of Mr. Energetic (who was sooo not energetic).

One thing I learned for certain from this date is that I just don't have it in me right now to try and make something out of nothing. In other words, there needs to be some sort of excitement on my part going into a date because I doubt that someone with little appeal on paper is going to surprise me in person.

The good news is, I FINALLY received an email from someone who really does interest me and who seems like a good match. I'm going to try not to jinx anything so I'll write the details if/when there's actually something to tell.
Humor romance Personals Relationships Dating

The Date (Part One)

2006-01-28T20:23:00.000-08:00

My three day delay in recapping my date with Mr. Engergetic wasn't due to us falling madly in love and eloping in Vegas. I think I just need some extra time before reliving the boredom of it all.

I'll start with the pre-show activities. I'm the rare woman who's always either on time or early because I've planned out everything in advance. But this time, I couldn't seem to get the enthusiasm going for this date and got ready in about 10 minutes. I think my hair was still wet when I left. I don't know for sure because I never bothered to even check it in the mirror. So as far as my presentation, I certainly wasn't looking my best but I still closely resembled the photos he'd seen.

Right before I left, I figured I should take another look at his Match page so I wouldn't ask him something stupid that he'd already mentioned. I immediately wondered why I agreed to meet him in the first place. I think it was all because he had a huge smile. And I probably gave him the name Mr. Energetic because he used a bunch of emoticons, which reminds me of high school cheerleaders. As for content, it was several paragraphs of nothing- just a bunch of chatter that sounds like every other profile on Match. Three days later and the only details I can remember from it are that he's divorced and plays soccer. So I knew I was in for some work as far as discovering common interests. But I'm good at keeping a conversation flowing so I wasn't too concerned.

On the drive over, I heard a commercial for eHarmony on the radio. That seemed like a bad sign to me. I arrived about five or 10 minutes late, which is really right on time. I found a parking space right out front. Well, it wasn't exactly in front. It turns out the restaurant is in an alley. I thought that was kind of funny since an alley is the last place where I should be meeting a stranger but it's a heavily populated area so I wasn't concerned. It just now occurred to me that he should have mentioned it was off the main street as I got kind of lucky finding the place. It would have been very easy to miss either driving or walking.

As I neared the front, I saw a guy standing outside alone and I thought it was him. He looked at me from a distance and I sort of smiled. I almost said "hi" as I approached when he looked away, so I figured that wasn't him. Thinking back, I probably would have been better off having a drink with that guy.

Mr. Energetic was standing just inside the doorway and recognized me instantly. The bar of the quaint restaurant was full so we took a table. I barely had my ass in the seat when he handed me the wine menu. I hadn't even had time to verify I was with the right guy and now had to stick my nose in a menu. I assumed he'd be paying so as a courtesy, I ordered one of the more reasonably priced glasses of wine at $9.

Then the waitress asked if we would be having dinner. Without hesitation, he told her, "no." I couldn't believe he didn't even ask me if I wanted something! If we'd been married for 50 years and we'd just had a full meal he should still check with me first. People's lack of consideration for others is probably my biggest frustration and that right there pretty much did Mr. E in. I know I can be picky about little things but consulting with someone else before answering for them should be an automatic behavior and the fact that it wasn't for him is a small indicator of a big character flaw. We're now all of five minutes into the date.

After our wine was delivered, I took a sip and it was absolutely awful. The waitress came by and asked how it was and I had to tell her that it was really tangy. Believe me, I worked enough years in bar jobs that I handled it very politely. I hate those snobs who send back perfectly good wine, so that wasn't my intention. I just mentioned it hoping maybe someone else would give a second opinion on whether or not it was old. It seriously was the worst glass of wine I'd ever had. She said that she saw the bartender open the bottle and maybe it just needed to breathe. All the while, I'm sitting there wondering what Mr. E is thinking. It was the classic bad blind date scenario no matter how well I handled it. As it turned out, the wine did improve. It was very bizarre that the flavor could change so drastically in such a short amount of time.

At this point, we're 10 minutes into the date and it occurred to me that the street meters in that area might have to be plugged pretty late. Mr. E wasn't sure nor was the hostess. I'm a meter maid magnet so I explained to him that I should go out and check. He probably thought I was ditching him and I have to admit, it would make such a great story that I was tempted to do it. How classic would that be? Date goes out to pay the meter and never comes back!!

With that, I'm going to knock off for today even though the retelling of the second half of the date should be much shorter since I slept through most of it. I'll get the rest up tomorrow along with word of something promising...Match Humor blind date Personals Relationships Dating

FINALLY!

2006-01-25T14:22:00.000-08:00

I have a date tonight. It's with Mr. Energetic, whom I put on hold about a month ago. I have to admit, I'm not particularly enthusiastic about the date. In fact, I think I'd prefer to stay home and watch "Lost." He lives at least 30 minutes away and when it was time to make plans, he wrote: but am game to meet somewhere in the middle. Then two sentences later wrote: If you are game to come out this way, we could do a wine bar here. I wasn't thrilled with the fact that meeting somewhere near me wasn't even an option. And what kind of reason could I possibly give for rejecting the location near him? "Ooh, sorry- I'm allergic to the Valley." Basically, as soon as he threw that out there, I was screwed.

We're supposed to meet at 8pm, though I'm sure I'll be late because there's no way I'm allocating extra time for traffic because this would be the one time there is none and I'd arrive way too early and start hitting on the bartender. I plan to have two drinks and make a very weak offer to pay. I'm paying through my commute. I have an excuse for getting out by 10:00 or 10:30, which is probably a good length of time no matter how well the date goes.

Could it go well? I'll give a full report tonight or tomorrow.

Match Humor love Personals Relationships Dating

Days 59-65: Match Hasn't Killed Me (Yet)

2006-01-21T01:47:00.000-08:00

Match.com stats:
Total profile views: 2163 (86 since day 58)
New received emails: 3
New winks: 5
Optimism level: Maybe I shouldn't have downsized from the six month membership.

It's been so long since I've posted, some people probably wondered if I was lying in a ditch somewhere (and thought, "Yay! That means she finally went on a blind date"). No such luck. I've honestly had nothing to write about. At this point, my filing cabinets are pretty full of folders detailing why I ignored guys' approaches. I don't see much point in continuing to describe every email I receive, though I will still mention the ones that are particularly amusing or disturbing. As for the emails I send out, I think the less I say about the recipients, the better. I need to focus on the positives for actual prospects. The more I say about someone's email or profile, the heavier the minor issues start to weigh. When I finally have firm plans for an actual date, then I'll mention the guy.

As for George Costanza, that's officially dead. While his personality seemed cool, I came to the realization that I could probably never be interested in him as more than a buddy. There are some things I never mentioned because I was trying to be positive about him initially, but I'll spill now. One is that his profile includes four sentences on how important sex is in a relationship. I've already stated how silly I think it is for guys to mention this (though it's even sillier when guys talk about how important it is for their woman to be attractive since that's so subjective and it's not going to weed out anybody). The problem with him mentioning sex so much is that it encourages the thought of sex with him, which kind of made me shudder. In his main picture, he almost looks...dirty. Not naughty dirty, but Pigpen dirty. I could deal with the extra 40-50 pounds he's carrying but every time I received an email with his picture in my mailbox, I had to see his raggedy old t-shirt, the bandana around his head and his unkempt goatee. And unfortunately, there were plenty of emails from him that forced me to see it. It seems like every time 30 hours passed without a response from me, he sent me a little "hi" note (always with at least one smiley face). It's sweet when a guy I'm dating sends a quick email to check in but when a stranger does it (especially after I told him I would be travelling), it comes across as both aggressive and desperate.

So I wrote to him and essentially said that given my current situation, now really isn't a good time for us to meet. I said I didn't think I could give him the consideration he deserves and I didn't want to waste any more of his time. I was deliberately vague on "my situation" but left the possibility open for a future meeting. He sent back a paragraph that included three "lol"'s, even though he didn't say anything funny. That gets to me as much as the emoticons. Rather than ask what "my current situation" is, he assumed it was that I'm too busy and discussed how busy he is with work. It kind of sounded like, "Well I'm doing this and that so who are you to talk about being busy?" It didn't make sense to build a case for himself on his assumption when I could have just as easily meant I was dating someone else or I was sick or that "my current situation" doesn't involve dating guys I find physically repulsive. The way people deal with rejection says a lot about them and his response reinforced my belief that he's not for me.

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Days 55-58: It's Always Something

2006-01-14T00:53:00.000-08:00

Match.com stats:
Total profile views: 2077 (69 since day 54)
New received emails: unsolicited, solicited
New winks: 1
Optimism level: It's not over yet.

Due to some travelling, I've fallen seriously behind on both this blog and my Match searches. I've noticed that I receive a lot more page views, and consequently more emails, when I spend extended periods logged on to Match. I'm guessing this is a result of people utilizing the "online now" option or perhaps long sessions cause my profile to appear in more searches. Either way, I should probably log myself on to Match for an hour or two each day, even if I don't do any searching. It probably can't hurt, right?

In my last blog, I mentioned how the best relationship I ever had was with a guy I would have rejected immediately in the context of Match. It just occurred to me that at this point in my life, that would be a good thing. Even though he was a great boyfriend to have eight years ago, he wasn't someone I was meant to be with long term. And all the reasons we weren't meant to be together would have been apparent in a simple Match profile. I'm not sure if it's worth pursuing a relationship that might be fun for a few months or a year at the expense of finding one that could be longer lasting.

EMAIL #1: This guy looked fairly attractive in his email photo. The body read:

May something wondrous ignite your soul and arouse your senses daily. Wishing you well with your search. If you so desire you have my undivided attention

I liked his writing style and the positive message but it was a bit impersonal- it almost sounds like something out of a greeting card. I inspected his profile and found his face was even better looking than I first thought. Only one problem: he has long hair. That's probably my least favorite physical attribute. I think I might actually prefer the porn 'stache over long hair- THAT'S how much it repulses me. He has two kids, though he's never been married. That's a bit of a curiosity. One kid can be blamed on a condom mishap. But why the second one? I wonder if it was with the same woman and, if so, why didn't they go the marriage route? I guess if he's now searching for a woman on Match it was the right decision but it calls into question his ability to commit to a woman. Finally, his profile seemed overly Zen for me. Zen is good, but I think I'm too loud for someone who's overly Zen. His whole profile sounded like his email and I kept picturing him sitting on a pile of pillows in a candlelit feng-shuied room that reeks of incense while Enya plays in the background. Moved to folder: Can't date the author of "Zen And The Art Of Hair Products."

EMAIL #1: At first glance, this was the most promising email I've received thus far. He appeared fairly attractive and his letter was friendly. He mentioned how much he liked my profile and that he'd found it before he ever joined Match. Then he said the words that always make me swoon: I am originally from Argentina. I love my South American boys and for some reason, the Argentinians have been my favorites. Honestly, this was the first email I've received that I was actually enthusiastic about. He, too, had better pictures on his profile, without the chick hair to ruin everything. Then the bullets came at me one after the other...divorced...lives half an hour away...Catholic... definitely wants two kids...two inches shorter than me. It was as if someone was out to get me and deliberately sent such an enticing letter for the absolutely wrong match. Moved to folder: Cupid is so damn cruel.Match Humor love romance Relationships Dating

Days 53 and 54: The Stuff I'm Leaving Out

2006-01-10T23:38:00.000-08:00

Match.com stats:
Total profile views: 2008 (47 since day 52)
New received emails: 0
New winks: 2
Optimism level: I guess I don't deserve any better than I'm giving right now.

I just received a comment for day 52 that I think is worth exploring in detail. It's basically in regards to how quickly I seem to write someone off based on a few lines in an email or profile. I suppose I should note that the factors I mention in my blogs are not always the only or even the main reasons why I reject certain guys. I usually just include the information I find somewhat amusing (or sometimes, horrifying). I've definitely omitted certain facts, some of which I'll share now.

I'll start with the first thing I notice when opening a Match email: appearance. I would guess that of all the guys who have written to me, one or two fall into the category of "moderately attractive," about a handful fit into the category of "attractive enough if he's got other things going for him," another handful qualify as "he'd have to be a nearly perfect specimen in every other way" and the rest land in the realm of "I'd have to be so doped up I'd need my stomach pumped." While looks aren't everything, it can be a strike against someone and those strikes add up.

The next thing I notice is the spelling and grammatical errors (yes, I spot them even before I read the content). I would estimate that of the emails I've received (along with their profiles) only about 10% were written at a college level, about 40-50% were decent with occasional errors and the rest ranged from awful to worse. It's an embarrassing indicator of the American educational system that the foreigners who post comments to my blog have better English writing skills than the guys writing me in their first language. Some may think it's silly to place so much importance on this but I disagree. When you send an email or compose a profile on Match, you're giving others an impression of yourself. If someone doesn't care enough to take an extra minute to clean up his words so he can make a good impression, why should I be impressed with him? There's also the fact that I'm a detail-oriented person who's occasionally frustrated by people who aren't. That these guys apparently don't notice their errors is an indication they probably aren't detail-oriented and that could be a personality conflict. So that's one more strike that I rarely mention for specific individuals.

The glaring content flaws are what I usually write about. I don't mention that some of the guys have very different likes or desires. I do cut guys some slack if their personality sounds a bit bland, which is somewhat odd since a good personality is what I'm searching for most in the profiles. But I know it's difficult for everybody to translate that well in print.

That all said, I'll mention that the best and longest relationship I've ever had was with a guy whom I probably would have removed from Match searches based solely on his picture. If I even got to his profile, his basic info. alone would have turned me away- he's just so far from my type. But I met him in a work situation and we spent a lot of time together over the course of a month with lots of dinners involved (and a considerable amount of alcohol, I might add) and I eventually fell for him. Had we only gone on one or two dates immediately after meeting, I'm sure it would not have progressed any further. So while it's possible I've turned away some great guys on Match, I think it's unlikely (based on what little I know of them) that I've rejected anybody who would have excited me enough in one or two hours to want to pursue any sort of relationship.

Now, as far as the current action is going... I totally chickened out with George Costanza. We had tentative plans for Wednesday and I was supposed to call him to finalize the details. But I just couldn't bring myself to call. I kept putting it off more and more and now it's too late . As much as I dislike calling strangers, I still managed to make a call to Bodybuilder Boy- even after my interest in him had waned a bit. I think it was partially due to the fact that there was a physical attraction to Bodybuilder Boy while there's absolutely none to Costanza. But I think even moreso it was because at the time, I thought there was a chance I'd be meeting Homer and I was anxious to get a trial date out of the way. Right now, I'm not corresponding with anybody who interests me (Adventure Man and Banana Man never wrote back), so, strangely, I seem to have less interest in meeting Costanza right now. I'm actually leaving town for a week so I'm going to email him, apologize and suggest maybe we can meet when we return. I'm not sure I want to do that, but there's no way I could flake a second time. I figure either he'll disappear or I'll get that first date in simply out of a sense of obligation.

Match Humor singles Personals Relationships Dating

Days 51 and 52: Dating Games

2006-01-08T23:16:00.000-08:00

Match.com stats:
Total profile views: 1961 (55 since day 50)
New received emails: 2 unsolicited, 1 solicited
New sent emails: 2 new, 1 reply
New winks: 1
Optimism level: They're all either too anxious or not anxious enough. Goldilocks not happy.

I fell behind a bit because Friday's migraine never quite went away and came back full force the next day. As a result, about 34 hours passed in which I hadn't responded to George Costanza's previous email. In a second email he wrote: Just saying hey!...hehe On the one hand, I like guys who don't play games but on the other hand, I don't think the passage of a day and a half really necessitates a check-up email from someone I haven't met yet. It was a tad too anxious. I responded with an apology, explaining I'd suffered from a migraine for the last two days and said: At least I hope it was a migraine and not something worse. I wrote that because I'd never experienced a migraine for two consecutive days, not because I wasn't familiar with what a migraine headache is. His reply included two paragraphs on what triggers migraines, what worsens the pain and how much migraines suck- all this apparently based on second-hand information he'd received from friends. Something about that kind of rubbed me the wrong way. We have tentative plans to get together on Wednesday and I promised I'd call him in the next day or two to finalize the details. I think it's pretty obvious I'm not too optimistic about Costanza, but I really do need to get the first date for this go 'round out of the way.

SENT EMAILS: I wrote to two new guys- not particularly good prospects. The first is a guy I'd added to my favorites list when I tried Match almost three years ago. I wonder if he's been around all that time. He sounds like a good match for me but it's pretty clear he's not looking for a Caucasian woman. I figured I'd write him anyway. If nothing else, at least I can remove him from my list. The second guy isn't really my type physically but he's agnostic, doesn't want kids and his profile was witty. He even mentioned an aversion to emoticons! I got the impression he's the type I'd either get along with famously or horribly.

EMAIL #1: This one's not bad looking, though his only picture features him shirtless on a boat. But his brief email was somewhat incoherent. He has a good grasp of punctuation but he transposed some words and made a reference that makes absolutely no sense to me. I took a look at his profile and it was the same thing. What he said sounded all right- when I could understand it. However this part was clear:

Please no BBW's (just my preference). As I stated, I have no children. If you do please make sure that your ex is not obsessed with his children knowing mommy dates (been there done that).

Both statements just seemed incredibly lame to include in a profile. Moved to folder: No major flaws, just too many little ones.

EMAIL #2: This guy sounded way too excited to meet me, especially in light of the fact he lives in New York. But I have to mention something he wrote in his email:

To futher intrigue you I have a very very silly but incredibly effective dating game type of question. I can learn more about you from this one question than from any other single one. May I ask you?

I'll admit, I'm kind of curious what the question is, mostly because I'm guessing it's corny and tells him nothing about me. But I'm not so curious I'd bother to ask what it is. Moved to folder: I'd take the real Chuck Woolery, but not a knock off.Match Humor Blog Personals Relationships Dating

Day 50: Fifty?? Seriously Fifty????

2006-01-06T23:23:00.000-08:00

Match.com stats:
Total profile views: 1906 (54 since yesterday)
New received emails: 1 unsolicited, 1 solicited
New sent emails: 0
New winks: 1
Optimism level: This is giving me a headache.

I didn't send out any new emails today because I had a migraine most of the day and couldn't bear to look at my monitor for more than a few minutes. When the pain finally eased, it was nighttime and there's something about sending a lonelyhearts email on a Friday night that seems particularly desperate. I'll send out two tomorrow. I haven't heard from any of the guys I've approached over the last few days, though I noticed Banana Man checked out my profile. I did hear back from George Costanza. He wants to get together this weekend but that doesn't work for me so I'll propose a day next week. Based on what he wrote, it sounds like we live within walking distance of one another, but it's probably not wise to walk to wherever we meet, at least not if it's at night.

EMAIL #1: This guy wants two kids and he's Catholic. Moved to folder: Can I do it any faster?Match Humor love Personals Relationships Dating

Day 49: Putting Myself Out There

2006-01-05T21:29:00.000-08:00

Match.com stats:
Total profile views: 1852 (12 since yesterday)
New received emails: 1 unsolicited, 1 solicited
New sent emails: 2 new, 1 reply
New winks: 3
Optimism level: Does my profile say I'm a hooker?

At the point that I'd received three winks and one email, my profile indicated I'd had four page views. It's possible that everybody who viewed my page then contacted me but it's unlikely. I'm curious how accurate those page view counts really are.

TODAY'S SENT EMAILS: No typo there, I did indeed send out two new emails today. Both were to guys I'd added to my favorites list early on. I don't know how long most people maintain their memberships but after 49 days, I know the early profiles could start disappearing. Both guys' essays were pretty short- not enough to get a sense of their personalities- but they both fit the basic requirements and they're nice looking. My emails to them were just a couple sentences long and I won't be disappointed if I don't hear from them. On the other hand, I would have liked to have heard from Banana Man and/or Adventure Man but I didn't. What can I do? I wrote back to George Costanza and basically said I don't like phone calls, let's meet. I think it's likely we'll meet up in the next week or so.

EMAIL #1: This one's from a guy in Georgia who said that he visits LA just about every week for work. Then he came right out and asked if I'd like to have drinks with him Friday or Saturday. Talk about cutting to the chase! He said that he's not looking for a fling, just a nice woman to go out with. Then he wrote: This might sound crazy but if we click I have to attend a show in Vegas all next week and maybe you would be up for coming to vegas for a night or 2 to join me at some of the parties that I have to attend. He should have stuck to his instinct about sounding crazy. If we went out on a date and got along well, it still would have sounded too forward but for him to ask me to meet him in Vegas for "a night or 2" in an introductory letter is, well, crazy. No need to even look at his profile. Moved to folder: What happens in Vegas...won't happen with me.

Day 48: Emails and IMs and Phone Calls OH MY!

2006-01-04T17:44:00.000-08:00

Match.com stats:
Total profile views: 1840 (12 since yesterday)
New received emails: 1 unsolicited, 1 solicited
New sent emails: 1 new, 1 reply
New winks: 1
Optimism level: Interestingly, I think this whole process is making me LOSE interest in meeting a guy right now.

SENT EMAIL OF THE DAY: This guy viewed my profile the first or second day I was on Match but never wrote me. He's pretty cute in his main picture so I'm sure I checked out his profile but for some reason I don't recall, he didn't appeal to me at the time. A week or two ago, I stumbled across his profile again and apparently he'd made some changes because now he sounds awesome. He added some very funny pictures. One is just a shot of a banana hanging out of a pants pocket (thus earning him the name Banana Man). Alone, that picture might have seemed lame or icky but the other pictures help explain his sense of humor. It seems that when it comes to humor in profiles or emails, you really have to give a few examples because just one can easily be misinterpreted. He showed good personality in his essay and it appears we're somewhat compatible in other areas so I shot him a letter. Composing the email to him was actually quite easy, making me realize it's not initial emails that are difficult to write, it's responses that are the challenge. I haven't heard back from Adventure Man so I'm not too optimistic that I ever will but I think Banana Man sounds even better and I was pretty pleased with the letter I wrote so hopefully I'll hear from him.

EMAIL #1: This guy's photo was decent as was the lone paragraph. What I found really amusing was the last sentence of that paragraph: I think my subscription expires at midnight so you better reply fast ....or hope that I renew. It reminded me of all the guys who scramble to find a woman just as the bar's closing. It's 2 am, the bouncers are ushering everybody out and these guys are working every last angle. This guy wasn't going to let a lousy eight hours left on his subscription stop him from finding someone special (and/or desperate). I particularly liked the aggressive used-car sales pitch, "Act fast- guys like these won't last long!" Fortunately for me, his profile says he "definitely" wants kids so the pressure was off. Moved to folder: Sorry Cinderella.

EMAIL REPLY: As expected, I got a response from George Costanza, two actually. The second one said: Hello there :) I saw you are online and just wanted to pop a hello to you :) I'm trying to get past my aversion to excessive emoticons, so I'm letting that slide. When he sent this, I'd actually been logged out for over an hour. Apparently the people using just one profile don't realize that Match often shows you as being online long after you've signed off. I guess it's Match's attempt to make it seem like there are tons of available singles online and anxiously awaiting your email. I've noticed most of the winks I've received come within an hour or two of being logged on.

Costanza's first email today was surprisingly long but again, he had great personality. He basically said he only likes one round of emails and then it should go to IM or phone and left me his phone number. While I'd probably prefer IM to phone, it's been so long since I've done it, I'd have to open a messenger account somewhere and that's just way too much trouble for someone I've never met. I think I'll write him back tomorrow and lob the "let's meet and get it over with" volley to him.Match Humor love Personals Relationships Dating

Day 47: Sticking to my Word

2006-01-03T23:31:00.000-08:00

Match.com stats:
Total profile views: 1828 (36 since yesterday)
New received emails: 0
New sent emails: 0 new, 1 reply
New winks: 0
Optimism level: Happy to see the profile views picking up. Though I guess it's meaningless if nobody writes me.

After putting it off for a few days, I finally replied to George Costanza. He's sooo not my type in some ways but he seems to have a good personality, he's agnostic and he probably doesn't want kids. Those are some big plusses so I finally sent him a note. I might not have if I hadn't announced in here that I would be writing to at least one guy a day until I get some dates lined up. It's almost odd the sense of obligation I feel to keep my word in a blog read by complete strangers. It's not like anybody reading this would care to hold me to it but that's typical of how I operate in the real world. I'll sometimes slack when I only have myself to answer to but if I've told even one other person I'll do something, I'll do it. I guess that's one of the good side-effects of keeping this blog.

Once again, I struggled with what to say in my letter. I don't know why that's always such a challenge for me. I can pop out a novella in my blog in 10 minutes but when I respond to Match emails, it takes me an hour to compose a couple paragraphs I'll end up regretting later anyway. I think it might be due to the fact I can't stand small talk in person so I'm not keen on doing it in writing. But I know if I sent a long conversational email, I'd seem weird. I ended up keeping it pretty simple, asking him a few questions about his work and offering nothing about myself. I didn't deliberately withhold personal information, it's just that he didn't ask anything about me and I reached my two paragraph response limit before I had a chance to talk about myself. In any case, I'm certain I'll hear back from him simply because he doesn't totally wow me and guys like that always respond.

Day 46: Getting Back into the Game

2006-01-02T23:53:00.000-08:00

Match.com stats:
Total profile views: 1792 (30 since yesterday)
New received emails: 1
New sent emails: 1
New winks: 5

I sent an email to Adventure Man. I didn't feel like it was a great letter but then again, the best email I've sent anybody (the one responding to the guy's bird analogy) didn't get a reply so maybe I'm not the best judge of how good or bad my emails are. I guess my mailbox will give me the answer in the next couple days.

EMAIL #1: Last week I mentioned that I'm not often attracted to black guys but I have to say, this one is probably the best looking guy who's written to me. I'd definitely go out with him just on looks but, as always, there are other issues. The first thing I noticed was that his email sounded like a form letter. Sure enough, he'd pasted his short profile text into his email! He only added one line to it- You have an awesome profile , and you are very beautiful- but even that's probably a cut-and-paste job from his other emails. His profile states that he has two kids that live at home, that he definitely wants one more and that he's Catholic. Moved to folder: No need for me to read any further.

Day 45: No More Excuses

2006-01-01T21:34:00.000-08:00

Match.com stats:
Total profile views: 1762 (16 since yesterday)
New received emails: 1
New sent emails:0
New winks: 0
Optimism level: New year, new outlook: I WILL find a man.

The holidays are over and my schedule's pretty relaxed for the next week or two so I'm back to being a woman on a mission! I'll be reconnecting with Mr. Energetic and Adventure Man in the next day or so and I'll be making a more concerted effort to approach other guys as well. Somewhere along the way, I let good looks become too high of a priority but I'm bumping appearance way down on the list. The last 44 days have not been a complete waste of time as I've learned from some mistakes and I've streamlined the rejection/acceptance process. The criteria that must be met in order for me to even consider emailing somebody:

Distance- I don't know why guys from halfway across the country (or sometimes the globe) are winking at me, but I don't want a long distance relationship. If I can't drive to his residence in the time it takes to listen to my favorite cd, I'm not interested.
Marriage potential- I'm looking for a serious relationship that could possibly lead to marriage. It doesn't have to result in marriage, but I see no reason in pursuing anybody if it's immediately clear there's absolutely no chance for a future together. So that knocks out any guys who say they "definitely" want kids (and probably most of the guys who say they "someday" want kids). It also voids anybody who appears to have strong religious ties. Vegans are out too. I like my meat.
Unkissability- I said I was knocking appearance way down the list, but not completely off the charts. If there's no chance I'd ever want to kiss the guy, he's out. This probably applies to 20-25% of the profiles I see but that still leaves a decent size pool to choose from.

From now on, I'm searching for personality. If a guy satisfies the basic criteria and sounds amusing in his profile and/or email, I'm going to shoot for a meeting. I'll settle for someone who sounds somewhat compatible in lifestyle and interests, but I really want to get a sense of a man's spirit. Until I have some dates lined up, I'm going to be sending out at least one new email a day. No more twiddling my thumbs.

EMAIL #1: This email has me in a quandary. The first aspects I noticed were his appearance and age. In his picture, he's wearing a bandanna, has a strange tuft of fur on his chin and kind of resembles Jason Alexander. At 29, he's a year younger than my age criteria of 30. I'm inclined to believe that the 30th birthday milestone has some sort of impact on most people's lives which is why I'd prefer that a guy has passed it. Normally, this guy wouldn't seem like much of a catch, but I really liked his email. It was pretty long but it was entertaining and gave me exactly what I just said I'm looking for: great personality. I mean, he came across well enough that it removed the "unkissable" designation I'd surely have given him otherwise. No more excuses for the new year, so I guess I'll send him a quick reply and see what happens. Moved to folder: Don't ask him, "Does anybody tell you you look like the fat, bald guy from 'Seinfeld'?"

********

Saw this in a guy's profile: Exhibitionist at heart, I love women to watch me while I please myself. The picture features a guy in a suit with the sweetest baby face. I'm sure there are plenty of women on Match who like to watch, I just wonder how many would respond to a guy who mentions that both in his brief essay and under "favorite things."

********

Now that I'm coming back full force again, I plan to post some more polls. Hopefully there are still a few readers here who can offer a little assistance when I finally get to the dating phase.

(Day 44)

2005-12-31T16:09:00.000-08:00

Match.com stats:
Total profile views: 1746 (30 since yesterday)
New received emails: 0
New sent emails: 0
New winks: 2

Day 43: When Reality Checks Bounce

2005-12-30T17:53:00.000-08:00

Match.com stats:
Total profile views: 1716 (14 since yesterday)
New received emails: 1 unsolicited, 1 solicited
New sent emails: 1 reply
New winks: 2
Optimism level: Anxious to get back to full throttle on Match.

When I signed up for Match, they included a magazine subscription in the deal. I thought it was a nice little bonus- that no matter what, I'd get something out of my Match membership. Most of the options were chick magazines but it occurred to me that I spent much of my youth reading the likes of "Cosmopolitan" and "Elle" and clearly, they weren't much help in the dating arena. They didn't give out any badges for me to show guys what my "cool girlfriend" quotient was or how high I'd scored on the "lovability" test. It only took me about six years to realize that if one month's issue taught how to catch a man, the next month's issue would teach how to get rid of the jerk sleeping next to you. It was an endless cycle that wasn't even very entertaining, so I opted for "Maxim" this time around. I'd picked up one or two issues before and thought they were pretty funny. But I guess I never noticed how much of a men's magazine it is until I received my first issue today. Clearly, "Maxim" is the magazine for the guys who "read the articles" but who still want some flesh within eyeshot. It's for the men whose wives won't let them keep "Playboy" or the Victoria Secret catalogue in the house. And now it's coming to my mailbox once a month. I guess time will tell whether or not the endless pictures of 22-year-old bikini girls will inspire me to get my body into the "athletic and toned" category or whether they'll depress me so much I'll end up in the "big and beautiful" category.

EMAIL #1: This letter was obviously a cut-and-paste job. It was particularly easy to spot since he'd pasted the full text in both the body AND the subject line. He included two different AOL addresses to which I can send a reply. I've noticed that several guys have done this. Maybe they all started out sending just one email address, didn't receive any replies and thought the scores of responses were getting lost in cyberspace. At a certain point you have to accept the fact that you're not getting any mail because people aren't writing you back and all the contact info. in the world won't help.

So this guy's profile narrative consisted of four sentences, one of which said: I eat mostly fast foods, and cant really guarantee fruit and veggies diet. From some bachelors, this statement could come across as funny. But based on his other "I like" and "I am" sentences, it sounds more like an apology to his mother. I think it's a pretty risky move to only write a few clipped comments as it puts all the weight on appearance. And when you look like an overgrown Opie Taylor, that's too much weight for the pictures to bear. Moved to folder: Should I reject him at both addresses?

Somehow I've become Reality Check Guy's new penpal. He had asked me why I cared enough to inform him of the tone of his reality check rant when others didn't. I had planned to not respond but then I felt like a bitch for starting something and walking away so I gave him a quick explanation that it's easier for most people to just avoid potential backlash. I closed with another "good luck in your search," thinking that would be end of him. But of course, he wrote back and asked:

I am not trying to annoy you or anything, but, is it the age difference? that made you think that we are not a good match or "the reality check" ....?

If it's the age difference, come on, we are more open minded than that... how many people did you meet in your life, are acting either childish or more mature than their own age.

Maybe I should have told him a couple years isn't an issue but jumping to stupid conclusions is. Instead I let him down easy and said it was the fact that he "definitely" wants kids. If he writes me back again, I think I'll just tell him I want him. That should get rid of him once and for all.

(Day 42)

2005-12-29T22:18:00.000-08:00

Match.com stats:
Total profile views: 1702 (17 since yesterday)
New received emails: 0 unsolicited, 1 solicited
New sent emails: new, reply
New winks: 3

I received a reply (actually two) from Reality Check Guy. He wrote:

How is that now? By the way that was sweet of you to email me your comments, can i ask why did you care, others didn't?

and then a couple minutes later sent:

Thanks for the advice, I think i will follow it and keep my notes for myself.
Thanks again.

I decided against responding but it's good to know there's someone on Match who doesn't automatically take the defensive route. I'm still not interested, though.

(Day 41)

2005-12-28T21:51:00.000-08:00

Match.com stats:
Total profile views: 1684 (11 since yesterday)
New received emails: 0
New winks: 1

(Day 40)

2005-12-27T21:07:00.000-08:00

Match.com stats:
Total profile views: 1684 (12 since yesterday)
New received emails: 0
New sent emails: 1
New winks: 0

As I said I'd do yesterday, I sent an email to the "Reality check" guy. I was very nice about it- we'll see what sort of response I get.

Day 39: When Profiles Attack

2005-12-26T21:06:00.000-08:00

Match.com stats:
Total profile views: 1676 (17 since yesterday)
New received emails: 1
New winks: 0
Optimism level: Hoping someday the good will be as good as the bad is bad.

I think stepping back from the Match process the way I have over the last week has helped a lot. My intent when I joined was to find a good guy but somewhere along the way I started looking for the perfect guy. I looked for every possible fault in a guy as an excuse for not dating him. I'm going to try to avoid that in the future with the guys who show any sort of potential. But I'll still rip on the Mr. Wrongs. And do I have a good one today!

EMAIL #1: I'm seriously struggling with where to begin. I guess the email, since it gave me my first impression. The first line said: I liked yr smile and yr words it amused me. First of all, "yr" is the abbreviation for "year" not "your." And abbreviations like "yr" and "u" and "2day" usually sound to me like they're coming from a teenage girl. I appreciate efficiency in people and I suppose I could tolerate someone shortening a few words in an instant message, but when you're only cutting back two little letters, why not take the extra half second to shoot for clarity? It's as if his membership expires tomorrow and he's rushing to get out as many emails as possible beforehand.

His next line said:

Ok, I speak three languages, I am Engineer just moved to CA, I lived in Germany, Sweden, Egypt and visited over 26 countries. I love to travel as u can see it wasn't my choice when I was little but after that it became an addiction.

Without mentioning the relevance of his travels, none of this matters to me. Maybe he thinks it will give him some sort of edge over the guy who's only been to 18 countries. He'd be better-off stating simply, "I love to travel."

Next paragraph:

Honestly I am I am goofy and like to joke about everything in the same time I am romantic. Little Intel I am kinda gayish ( don't get me wrong, I like to dress well and take care of myself)

On first read, I didn't get what "Little Intel" meant. Had he used an adult spellchecker instead of a teenybopper one, it would have changed the expression to "FYI" and I would have understood immediately. Instead, I thought he'd given me my Indian name. Then there's the use of "gayish." Why would any guy think that calling himself "gayish" is going to reel in the dates? Reading what he wrote in parenthesis, I'm wondering if he was in such a hurry, that he skipped an entire phrase, like, "don't get me wrong, I love ladies BUT I like to dress well..." The way it sounds now is as if he wanted to make it clear that his "gayish" qualities go beyond just sex with men to also include good grooming.

He closed with: So if that works for u, tell me about u..give me the Intel (this is where I figured out what he meant by his first "Intel"). I can't read that sentence without imagining he has a Justin Timberlake poster hanging in his room.

So that's just the email- I've barely even begun!!!

On to the profile. He's actually not a bad looking buy, but given the height he listed, I'd say he's about 40 pounds overweight, though he lists his weight as "about average." I understand that he would want to increase his exposure in searches by calling himself "about average" instead of one of the three other options that are more applicable to his size, but when something is so noticeably untrue, you can't help but wonder what else is. He should go with the "no answer" option.

His essay is interesting, to say the least. He wrote: I play by the rules does not mean believing in them. Is that an appealing trait to most women? I don't know. Personally, I think I'd prefer someone who breaks some of the rules he doesn't believe in.

Ok, here's the really good part:

*********REALITY CHECK*** **********This is just a reality check for some of you girls on here who seem to have lost your damn mind !!! Some of you are getting way to big headed and it's pretty sad. Keep in mind you're only as beautiful as your inside and you're not any hotter today then you were the day you joined. Just use your mind and your better judgement and don't forget the morals your momma taught you and get rid of the attitude. Cause REAL MEN don't find the attitude sexy 4 real.

Now... (let's all take a breather first).... I know I've joked about sending guys abusive letters since I seem to get a better response from my rejections rather than my approaches. But this guy actually did it- and in his public profile, no less! He dared to try the "U bitches aren't so hot so drop the 'tude" system for meeting women. Should I write to him and explain that the reason that method works so well for rappers is because they're rich and famous? That heavyset, I mean "about average" engineers from the Valley can't pull that off? I'm seriously considering responding and telling him, as nicely as possible, how his profile comes across. I figure, either he's a nice yet clueless guy who will adjust his profile to his own benefit or he's an idiot who will shoot me a nasty yet fun email for me to post on my blog. It's a win-win situation for me so I think I'll do it. Moved to folder: 4 ur Intel, way 2 lameish 4 me. 4 real.

(Day 38)

2005-12-25T23:51:00.000-08:00

Match.com stats:
Total profile views: 1659 (23 since yesterday)
New received emails: 0
New winks: 2

Day 37: 'Twas the Night Before Christmas

2005-12-24T17:58:00.000-08:00

Match.com stats:
Total profile views: 1636 (16 since yesterday)
New received emails: 0
New winks: 3

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all across Match
Singles were searching for someone to catch.
The profiles were hung on the Internet with care,
In hopes that a hottie soon would see theirs.

The women were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of sugar daddies danced in their heads.
I had my belief I'd find a good chap,
One with real brains who's not full of crap.

When from my computer there arose such a clatter,
An email had come of some urgent matter.
Away to my mailbox I clicked in a flash,
Would it be someone great or someone I'd bash?

I skimmed past the wink from the pictureless fellow
To get to the good stuff I hoped was just below.
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a half naked picture the dude shot in the mirror!

The note said, "Hey baby, I want you- love, Rick."
I knew in a moment he must be a dick.
Why are my suitors always so lame?
I know what I want so here I'll proclaim:

He's dashing, a dancer,
Whose answers aren't fiction.
A comic, a cutie,
With honor and conviction.
No religion or kids,
He's romantic and tall.
Throws trash away, throws sass my way,
Has classy ways all!

And then in a twinkling, I heard my mail jingle
My hopes didn't raise he'd make my heart tingle.
The email and photo were pleasant, I found,
And the full profile text had a hilarious sound.
He spoke a few words, 'bout his interests and work,
And to my surprise, didn't sound like a jerk.
He said that he thought lots of emailing blows,
But he'd like to meet me, if that's what I chose.

I sprang to reply, he sounds like a catch,
Is it possible I'd finally meet someone on Match?
I had to exclaim, 'cuz he sounds outta sight,
Happy Matchmaking to me, may this be Mr. Right!

Day 36: The Race to Date

2005-12-23T21:31:00.000-08:00

Match.com stats:
Total profile views: 1620 (29 since yesterday)
New received emails: 2 unsolicited, 0 solicited
New sent emails: 0
New winks: 2
Optimism level: I can throw out this season's mistletoe.

EMAIL #1: Good email but the guy's two inches shorter wants a couple kids someday and he's Protestant. Plus he's got that little tuft of hair under his bottom lip that I don't understand or like. Moved to folder: Filed in record time.

EMAIL #2: This is one of quite a few emails/winks I've received from black guys. I haven't discussed race issues here so I guess this is a good time. My dating history resembles the Dodger's batting lineup- men of all different ethnicities speaking various languages. But I've infrequently been attracted to guys of African, Middle Eastern and Scandinavian descent (I told you, I tend to prefer "medium well"). I wouldn't rule out falling in love with or marrying someone from one of these groups but I've found that dating someone from a different culture or race is often more challenging. I usually like that challenge but I think the online dating scene has enough obstacles- I don't need to invite more. The right thing to do would be to indicate on my profile that I'm looking for guys of certain ethnicities so that I'm not wasting other people's time but I'm concerned that if I did that it could give the appearance of being racist. Not only that, I realize that the right guy for me might not come wrapped the way I expect so I want to see everybody who's interested in me. I know it's kind of selfish on my part but my date's ethnicity selection will remain as "any.' Regardless, with this particular guy, there are age, distance and kid issues anyway. Moved to folder: Sent to the dugout.

(Day 35)

2005-12-22T21:28:00.000-08:00

Match.com stats:
Total profile views: 1591 (17 since yesterday)
New received emails: 0
New sent emails: 0
New winks: 0

Day 34: Go Look for Friends on MySpace

2005-12-21T15:43:00.000-08:00

Match.com stats:
Total profile views: 1574 (22 since yesterday)
New received emails: 2 unsolicited, 1 solicited
New sent emails: 0
New winks: 1
Optimism level: Joy to the girl.

For the last couple days, I've been kicking myself for sending Adventure Man the "let's meet" email. It makes sense that Mr. Energy, who initiated contact with me, would like my suggestion to meet instead of email, but I shouldn't have gone the same route with someone I'd approached. I figured it was a big misstep on my part and that I'd never hear from Adventure Man again. I was pleasantly surprised to get an email from him tonight saying that he's going to Asia this week (he is Adventure Man, after all) and that he'd like to meet after he returns. I dodged a bullet this time and now it looks like I've got two tentative dates after New Year's. I just have to make sure I don't make any sudden moves between now and then to scare them away. I also have to hope neither one meets the love of his life in the meantime. That would be just my luck.

EMAIL #1: This one came from a guy in the Arab Emirates. He wrote: im see your profile and really im Interested to know you and i hope we will coming good frinds. Either the wrong distance range is listed on my profile or he figures with my attributes, I should take whatever I can get wherever I can get it from. Moved to folder: Must be able to locate a suitor's town- or at least his country- on a map.

EMAIL #2: This was one of the better intro emails I've received so I took a glance at his profile (despite the fact that he looks quite dorky wearing what can only be described as "granny glasses"). He looks much better in another photo in which he's wearing manlier glasses so I'm not sure why that's not his main photo. I couldn't help but notice that in all of his pictures, there's a cocktail in front of him. Maybe happy hour is the only time he has pictures taken or maybe he's trying to put out the message that he likes to "partay." Turns out he's four years younger, divorced and definitely wants kids. I don't know anything else about him because his essay is all of three sentences, mostly stating he'd like something romantic but that "we can all use more friends no matter how many we have." I couldn't help but hear Big Bird's voice when I read that line. Frankly, I'm at capacity as far as friends go and might even have to start kicking some to the curb. Nothing in his profile indicates I'd want him to take someone else's place. Moved to folder: Hook him up with Arab Emirates.

(Day 33)

2005-12-20T21:14:00.000-08:00

Match.com stats:
Total profile views:1552 (12 since yesterday)
New received emails: 0
New sent emails: 0
New winks: 1

Day 32: Less Is More

2005-12-19T15:54:00.000-08:00

Match.com stats:
Total profile views: 1540 (24 since yesterday)
New received emails: 0 unsolicited, 1 solicited
New sent emails: 2 replies
New winks: 0
Optimism level: There's still time to get my stocking stuffed before Christmas.

At this point, I've analyzed and discussed the Match search and email processes to death. Writing about every little detail in this blog causes me to overthink things so it's probably best to curtail the frequency or at least the lengths of my posts. I'll still discuss the emails I send or receive and any live action (if I ever get any)! But on the days when nothing happens on Match, I'll only post the stats. My hope is that by stepping back a little, it will renew my enthusiasm for both the Match experience and this blog. I do, however, have some correspondence from today to report.

SENT REPLY #1: As promised, I replied to Mr. Energy from yesterday. I included one or two lines of pleasant chit-chat then I took a gamble. I wrote:

So now I'll risk sounding a bit demanding. I don't see the point in exchanging a bunch of emails since what really matters is whether two people click in person. You seem like somebody worth meeting...but I'm very busy this week then out of town next week. If you're interested in getting together after the new year, perhaps we can work something out.

In case you're wondering, "Who does she think she is?" I'm just somebody who doesn't want to waste anybody's time. In any event, happy holidays and good luck with your search!

(In case I haven't mentioned it already, my schedule over the next couple weeks allows only two possible days for meeting anybody, which is part of the reason I'm retreating a bit). Was it a great email to send? Nah. But this guy doesn't thrill me enough to want to spend the next two weeks writing back and forth. So I figured this was a good opportunity to test the "Screw emails- let's get the meeting out of the way" approach. If I don't hear back from him, no big loss.

SENT REPLY #2: So I'm probably a self-defeating fool. I started a reply to Adventure Man with answers to his questions about our mutual interest, then I hit a brick wall. I couldn't come up with anything to ask him. Actually, there are tons of things I want to ask him but none of them could be answered in a neat little email- that's a compliment to the content of his profile. I kept it in the back of my head all day and when I had free moments, tried to come up with conversation starters. Something about this guy makes me think he'd balk at inane small talk. Unable to come up with anything good and feeling like I needed to send the response soon, I went with the same approach as above. I think I phrased it better- somewhat softer- but I know it was stupid to try an unproven tactic on a guy who actually interests me. I wonder if I subconsciously try to hurt my chances of meeting someone. I'm not getting my hopes up for a response but maybe he'll surprise me.

RECEIVED REPLY #1: I was just about to post today's blog when I received a response from Mr. Energy. Part of the message said:

Honestly though, it is tricky to try to meet someone with the holiday commotion in the way. I also 100% agree with you on the meet in person part. I'm not a fan of e-mailing forever just to get to a phone call, etc. Don't get me wrong, everyone has what they are comfortable with, but meeting in person really does cut to the chase. So, that's a long winded way of saying I'd love to meet after the holidays.

He then left his email address and phone number. He also wrote:

As for the "who does she think she is"... Well, if you're as feisty in person as you are in your int ro e-mails, then I think we'll get along just fine :-) Have a great holiday!

I thought it was interesting he used the word "feisty" since I believe that's the same word I used here to describe the tone of my profile. Nice to know somebody actually gets me. Maybe there's potential with this guy. The fact that my "let's meet" email didn't scare him away is also promising. I wonder if I could be so fortunate with Adventure Man...

Day 31: One Little, Two Little, Three Little... Profiles?

2005-12-18T20:56:00.000-08:00

Match.com stats:
Total profile views: 1516 (14 since yesterday)
New received emails: 1 unsolicited, 1 solicited
New winks: 1
Optimism level: Hoping to catch some last-minute deals before the shops close.

I have a confession to make: I have more than one Match profile online. I had to do it to accommodate all my personalities. Ok, not quite. I have multiple profiles for various reasons, primarily relating to privacy (due to both this blog and my Match searches). But everything I've written about in my blog and all the stats relate solely to one legitimate profile. I do feel somewhat bad when a guy winks or writes to a vacant profile but I figure one has to be thick skinned to navigate the online dating waters. I will say that some guys really get around with their emails and winks. Good for them. Believe it or not, I haven't analyzed how different yet similar profiles garner varied responses but such a study would probably provide some good insight as to what makes a profile effective. I'll leave that research to someone who actually has a vested interest in the outcome. Then I'll probably pay that person $50 to teach me what I could have figured out on my own for free.

The reason I mention having more than one profile is that it's clued me into a few aspects of Match I wouldn't have known with just my member profile. For one thing, I recently noticed that if a person includes their email address in a letter to a non-member, it's either removed or replaced with the sender's match address (ruining my theory that it never hurts to include your personal email address). I understand why Match does this but I think their website should divulge this practice. It makes me wonder if any other email screening is done without the members' knowledge.

Another policy I wouldn't have known about is that, as of three days ago, Match no longer allows non-members to view any emails they've received. They simply alert the non-members to the fact that they have new mail. I think that's a big mistake on Match's part as I believe reading a letter from a good prospect could be the incentive someone needs to join. If anything, I think Match should offer limited subscriptions, like one email for $5. I seriously doubt many people connect on the first try and even if they did, they'd need to purchase a membership in order to get the other person's contact information. Financially, Match would make out fine. Instead, they'll now have members emailing non-members who may be great matches but the sender won't know the other person never even received it. I also predict that a lot of people who aren't current subscribers will remove or hide their profiles thus decreasing the number of potential matches. So between this policy change, the holidays and the pending lawsuit against Match.com, I really picked a great time to subscribe.

EMAIL #1: This guy wrote an almost perfect email- he showed good energy and personality, provided proof he read my profile, included a quick blurb about himself and avoided spelling and grammatical mistakes in the process. I say "almost" because of one small element. It's insignificant but I'll disclose it anyway. He titled the email: Runs With Scissors. The body started with:

OK, I don't run with scissors, but I thought the subject might catch your eye and stand out a little. Guess it's working.... :-)

First of all, he didn't really need to explain that he doesn't run with scissors. It would be one thing if he'd written "I Club Baby Seals," but I doubt running with scissors is a deal-breaker for anybody. He sounds pretty proud that his title reeled me in. The fact is, I didn't read his email because the subject caught my eye. I read his email simply because it was in my mailbox. Maybe he thinks women get so many emails that we just scan the subjects and only open the ones that really stand out. Strangely, he didn't use his own attention-getting tactic on his profile, which is where it's really important. I suppose it's difficult for most people to come up with a profile title as compelling as "Recluse adult film star..."

I recognized his profile, having viewed it when it appeared in one of my searches. At the time, I probably passed it over because nothing really sparked my interest. There's no indication of any shared passions nor is there even mention of something foreign that I might find intriguing. But again, I really like his energy in his profile. I'm going to write him back. Yeah, yeah, I've said that before but you can hold me to it this time. I'm going with the "What have I got to lose?" flow right now. I'll send him a quick note and see what happens. With my record, it probably won't proceed past a couple emails anyway. Moved to folder: Seriously, I'm gonna write him.

EMAIL RESPONSE #1: I received a reply from the Adventure Man I wrote to yesterday. I'll call him that because his pictures and profile conjure visions of him swimming among sharks in Australia then heli-skiing in the Swiss Alps. For all I know he's probably an accountant with a bad back who watches tv on weekends. His reply was fairly brief- just a few lines centered around one of the interests listed on my profile. He asked me a couple questions and offered some comments regarding his own involvement with that activity. Nothing to get excited about but it's a start. Moved to folder: Try not to screw this one up.

Question for everybody...Click "view results" or refresh for current standings WebSurveyor

Day 30: The One Month Mark

2005-12-17T15:26:00.000-08:00

Match.com stats:
Total profile views: 1502 (34 since yesterday)
New received emails: 1 (Month total: 32 unsolicited)
New sent emails: 1 (Month total: 7 with 3 responses)
New winks: 6 (Month total: 40)
Optimism level: I think Britney Spears married, divorced and remarried in less time.

I can't believe I've been at this for a whole month and have yet to go on one date or make any sort of connection. I have nobody but myself to blame as I've turned down everybody who's approached me and haven't made a strong attempt at pursuing others. I've promised myself that will change after the new year. I actually did send out one email today and it was to a guy who lives about half an hour away. I know I said I'd hold off on the farther prospects but this was one I'd never seen before and he kinda grabbed me in his profile so I decided to go for it. I also sent out three winks and felt like an idiot every time I did it. While I'm inclined to believe the right man for me will also think winks are lame, maybe guys cut women a little more slack for taking the wimpy approach. Either way, none of the ones I winked at interest me to the point I'd give it a second thought if I never hear from them.

I have to mention an interesting profile I saw today. I was clearing guys from my "viewed me" list and was just about to remove this one when I saw the words, "Recluse adult film star..." Oh, I had to explore that profile. He explains in his essay how he starred in adult films for the last 10 years and now he produces them. The rest of his essay is actually very well written but I wonder how many responses he gets with that opener. I respect his honesty and I don't judge someone for lifestyle choices that hurt nobody but at the same time, I couldn't date a former (or, of course, current) porn star. I would always fear that horrifying situation when someone like Grandpa meets him and says, "You look very familiar..." and I'm forever haunted by questions I don't want answered. Here's what I found particularly amusing: he didn't post a photo. I couldn't help but laugh at the thought that someone would be willing to film every inch of his naked body in a variety of sexual positions but is apparently too embarrassed to post his photo on an Internet dating site. Ah, the shame we online daters suffer!

Perhaps he should take the approach that a Swedish guy who winked at me today took: submit someone else's photo. This guy posted a picture of Robert Redford! I'm not kidding. Take a look at his profile. Great picture scrutinizing on Match's part.

EMAIL #1: I feel kind of bad ripping on this gentleman because his email to me sounded very sweet and sincere, but I want to be honest in my blogs about the reasons why somebody doesn't float my boat. So here goes. Like I said, the email was nice and only one statement stood out which was: I am kind, love animals and children, since I can relate to them better than adults sometimes. I love animals and children too, but one of the reasons I don't want to have my own kids is that I like being an adult and enjoy adult interactions with other adults. He didn't say he likes animals and children better sometimes (as we all do), he said he relates to them better sometimes. Maybe it was just the wrong choice of words on his part or maybe he actually feels a stronger connection to less-developed creatures. I'd give him a pass on that one but his profile narrative is basically a list of adjectives. I would guess that the same 20 adjectives appear on 90% of the profiles, and that's fine, but I want some proof or examples- something to separate someone from the flock. If I had to briefly recall some of the other guys I've chosen to approach there would be "The bodybuilder with the really sweet smile who admitted to getting kicked out of college for taking a 'team approach' to finals," "The outdoorsy writer whose profile said, 'illiteracy is not hot,'" "The free thinking smartass who said he likes 'kicking sacred cows in the crotch.'" Those little comments distinguished them a bit and gave me a hint of their personalities. The only thing I could come up with for this man is "The nice engineer guy." NOTHING else stands out.

Well, except his pictures. It's always the pictures. It's not that he's a bad looking guy, he just made bad photo choices. The main photo is a self portrait, taken in the mirror. He's holding the camera right next to his ear so there's a bright white glow in the corner that extends to half his face. Even worse is that he looks sort of scared, like he's being forced by Al-Qaida to post an online dating picture. It's bad enough to submit a picture like this when you have no other options but to deliberately take this photo, presumably for a Match profile, is ridiculous. Since I can't imagine he only took one picture, I'm kind of curious how truly awful the others must have been. Of his other two images, one is blurry and completely useless and the other shows a portion of his face as he sleeps on a pillow with a dog resting on his neck. The dog's adorable- can I get a date with him? Moved to folder: Can't remember anything about him to know which folder.

Question for the women...WebSurveyor

Day 29: The Freaks Come Out Online

2005-12-16T22:37:00.000-08:00

Match.com stats:
Total profile views: 1468 (33 since yesterday)
New received emails: 0
New winks: 0
Optimism level: Maybe I'd find more matches if I browsed profiles drunk.

My blogs have been so long the last few days I haven't had a chance to mention that I put a profile up at Date.com to check out their scene. I'm not quite sure what the purpose of Date.com is since at least half the emails and interests (same as Match "winks") have come from people who live in other states or countries. Maybe they're looking for "Reech wooman to bring me to Amedeeka." I couldn't help but notice that the farther away they're located the hotter their pictures. Certainly makes me question the legitimacy of the site or at least the people on it.

Date.com offers instant messaging and if you miss any IM's, they'll email the text to you. I had a very bizarre incident the other day when I found this missed IM in my mailbox:

I am in LOVE with your face.
really
I will not quit
Words from your face will make me happy
talk to me
please
I'll wait
until i die
forever and ever
your's is the nicest face in the whole world
PLEASE talk with me

Oh great, John Hinckley Jr. found my profile. As I was reading the note, an IM popped up from him. Curiosity got the best of me and I had to open it. The IM featured live video footage of the guy as he wrote me. I sure wouldn't want to be on video camera. One of the perks to online dating is the potential to meet guys while looking my scruffiest. I asked him if his first IM was some kind of joke. I don't remember what he said but I told him something like: Your IM was a bit intense. I'm not sure if that's the best approach for meeting a woman but good luck. Then I logged out of the site before he could respond. The next morning I found these missed IM's from him:

12/13/2005 3:13 AM
fine
then you will end up with a asshole
fuck you
DUMMY
morons a plenty
goodnight

12/13/2005 3:22 AM
Baby?
Please
I want to talk with the person behind the FACE.
FUCKING GIVE ME A BREAK
the kids you are talking to are stupid
that's how girls like you go down
sad
but true
die alone with morons

12/13/2005 3:33 AM
such a nice face
such a tiny brain
sad

As psychotic as his messages were, they reinforced my belief that the way to get guys to respond to my emails is to shoot them down. The prankster in me is tempted to send a few guys emails that say, "Fuck you dummy." I'd probably have men begging for my love. By the way, I wrote to Date.com and pasted the text of his message. They informed me that I can block messages from certain members but didn't show the slightest bit of concern that one of their members is using their service to wish me death. Classy company. My assessment of Date.com: I didn't find any desirable men through several searches and I'm inclined to believe most of the people are just looking for cybersex. Or in this guy's case, possibly victims.

So why am I even looking at other dating sites when I've barely made an effort on Match? Because I'm not finding anybody who really excites me on Match. I'm tired of reading about all the countries a guy's travelled to or the books he's read or his favorite sports. None of that really matters to me. I need some personality. Just a hint is all I'm asking. The guy's I've found with potential all live at least a half an hour away so I'm definitely waiting until after the holidays to approach any of them.

I've never sent out a wink before, mostly because I don't respond to winks so I don't expect others will either. But in the last few days, I've read several articles in which a wink led to a meeting. There are some guys who seem interesting but I'd probably never write to them because of differences they listed on their profile, such as a religious affiliation or a desire to "someday" have kids. So I'm considering sending these guys winks just to see if I get any sort of response. Should I do it? Let me know what you think of the idea in today's poll:

Question for everybody...WebSurveyor

Day 28: Information is Power

2005-12-15T09:09:00.000-08:00

Match.com stats:
Total profile views: 1435 (25 since yesterday)
New received emails: 1
New winks: 0
Optimism level: Ok, so I don't have power, but at least I have a little information.

First of all, thanks to those who played along with my little polls- I feel like I should give out prizes for your trouble. I realize that such a small sampling won't provide any definitive answers on men/women/dating but it's still better than my lone perspective. (BTW- If you screw up on an answer, let me know and I can fix it but try to avoid drunk polling as I don't want to get to the point where I'm spending more time on the blog than the actual Match experience. Gracias). So, to consider the preliminary data:

(Day 26) I've thought about the fact that some people may not understand what kind of job I might have that could turn a guy away. The best example I could come up with is personal shopper. It's the sort of job that a lot of people (at least women) might think sounds fun. Depending on the number and type of clientele, it can also be quite profitable. But a guy who's a businessman or lawyer or doctor might see it as fluff because he doesn't understand that it's a legitimate career. For the record, my jobs are nothing like personal shopper, it's mostly the perception of "that's a job?" that is similar.

(Day 25) Most seem to think it can't hurt to pursue people during the holidays. I suppose it's true that anybody can find the time to write a few lines in an email. I haven't done a search in about a week, but maybe I'll do one tomorrow and if anybody particularly excites me, I'll give it a shot.

(Day 24) As I expected, the women are divided on when is a good time to meet. It's a crap shoot for men as far as what pace is best so it makes sense to err on the side of caution and take it slow. I wonder if we women who don't want to waste time should put that fact out there. This brings me to today's poll:

Question for the guys...WebSurveyor

(Day 23) I'm not sure if most women simply agree the shoe size comment is lame or if sexual innuendo in general in a profile is lame. I read way too many profiles where the guys mention how important good sex is. I don't see the point. Just because a guy says good sex is important in a relationship, it doesn't necessarily mean HE'S actually good at it. And I don't imagine many Match success stories began with the reply, "We have a lot of similar interests in movies, books and activities. Oh and I give great head. I've got references." Maybe the guys are trying to weed out the women who aren't very frisky, but I think they'd be better off leaving the sexual comments out of their profile and realizing that's something a couple can work on together.

(Day 20) Learning how far most of you will travel to meet someone who shows even slight potential makes me realize I need to somehow conjure up the enthusiasm to do that myself. In case I haven't already made this clear, my desire for a partner is mostly as a supplement to my life but I don't feel an overwhelming need to have a man. Perhaps that explains part of the reason I'm being so choosy (or maybe "exclusionary" is a better word).

(Day 19) I wish there was some way to let all the guys on Match know about the shirtless picture situation. I, too, wouldn't turn away a good prospect because of it (unless he took his own picture in the mirror or if he's flexing- that's just too much). The issue with any shirtless picture is that, should we meet, there would be that question in the back of my head: "What kind of woman or relationship is he looking for that he thought semi-nudity was necessary?" I'm sure guys do it because they'd like more women to post bikini shots. They just don't get the whole cheese factor.

EMAIL #1: This letter came from Stalker Man. Yes, the guy has now sent me three emails since I sent him The Rejection Letter. This one simply said, "Hi Craig." I'm not sure if he meant, "Hi from Craig" or if he was saying hi to someone named Craig, thinking that maybe I'm a friend of his who set up some elaborate prank just to send him one email. He still hasn't added a photo but he did change his profile essay to include:

If you want to get married (or maybe not? Hmmmm? either way works) to a guy who (snip) you like and are proud of, have fun, make love, have sex, go out to dinner...

I was amused that he bothered to differentiate between "make love" and "have sex" and that either activity would be followed by dinner out. Later he wrote:

...build a dog house, smell your sheets when they come out of the dryer....

If I had to make a list of 10,000 qualities I want in a man, the urge to smell my sheets would not make the list yet this guy's using it as a selling point! Moved to folder: Monitor for photo submissions. They'll certainly all be shirtless.

Tonight a friend's having a Christmas party at a club right around the corner from me. Since it's close enough to walk, I'll be drinking heavily. If there are any hotties (they won't even have to be that hot since I'll be wearing the beer googles), I may have to throw caution to the wind just so I can finally report something juicy to my faithful readers.

Day 27: The Polls are Open

2005-12-14T19:33:00.000-08:00

Match.com stats:
Total profile views: 1410 (12 since yesterday)
New received emails: 0
New sent emails: 0
New winks: 0
Optimism level: I could be close to a "yay" or "neigh" from a favorite.

I noticed that the guy I wrote to a week ago who seems like he'd be a great match finally logged on today and checked out my profile (took him long enough- what does he have a job or something)? I'm guessing that means my email and photo must have met his approval and now it's down to my profile. If this one runs away like the others, I may have to consider removing "satanic worship" from my list of interests. I also noticed today that many of the guys on my "favorites" list have not logged on in several days. It reinforces my thinking that this is the off-season for the sport of Internet dating and I'd be better off having my uniform washed and pressed than getting it all muddy simply for practice games.

So, since I have nothing to report on Match, I've decided to add polls to my blogs (I am Anal Eyes Fifa after all). The main reason is to get a little feedback on some of my curiosities/statements/actions from people who may not bother to post a comment. Most of the questions will probably be gender specific so I'd appreciate it if you only respond to the ones applicable to you. Even if you're married or in a relationship, I'd still like to hear what you would think or do if you were single and attempting online dating. I've added polls to days 18-27 and pasted them all here. I'll let you know when I get more up. You may need to click "refresh" if the results don't automatically update.

No, I'm not involved in any sort of study. I need something to keep me interested in the Match process since the whole dating thing isn't happening right now. Besides, I could use a little assistance from objective readers. And since there seems to be a lot of other Internet daters stumbling upon my site, hopefully these poll responses will be of some help to them as well (though, more than likely I suspect they'll get less hits than my Match profile this week)!

Question for the guys... WebSurveyor

Question for everybody...WebSurveyor

Question for the women... WebSurveyor

Question for the guys... WebSurveyor

Question for the women... WebSurveyor

Question for everybody...WebSurveyor

Question for the women... WebSurveyor

Question for the women...WebSurveyor

Day 26: Career Setbacks

2005-12-13T13:37:00.000-08:00

Match.com stats:
Total profile views: 1398 (14 since yesterday)
New received emails: 1 unsolicited, 0 solicited
New sent emails: 0
New winks: 1
Optimism level: At least my old rejection letter's getting a good response.

If you'll recall, on day 4 I filled out eHarmony's personality profile ("A $40 value FREE!" they say, but if it was really worth $40, they'd charge $40 for it) and they could only find two matches for me in all of LA. Well, apparently there's some ambitious go-getter at eHarmony determined to do the impossible and find me a man. Today I received an email from them addressed to me and some guy named Daniel. They attempted to introduce us in the letter and stated that we're "highly compatible." So I decided to check him out (on eHarmony, only members can view photos so all I could see was his profile). He's three inches shorter, eight years older, has two kids (and wants more) and lives an hour away. The three qualities he lists as his "best life skills" are attributes that would be way down on my list of what I want in a man. I don't know what's more pathetic: the fact that in almost a month, eHarmony could only find three possible matches for me (all who live at least half an hour away) or the fact that the ones they did find don't seem like they'd be even remotely compatible with me.

I never heard back from the guy who wrote me a couple days ago (day 23). I am striking out right and left in the letter writing department! Though I'm still perplexed by the disappearances of "Homer" and Bodybuilder Boy, I'm pretty certain I know what happened this time. In his one email, he asked me some questions about my work. I answered his questions as succinctly as possible and asked him a couple questions regarding interests listed on his profile. I kept it very straightforward, avoided any attempts at humor and made sure everything I wrote had a positive angle. There was nothing wrong with the letter. That's why I know if his retreat had anything to do with me, it's because of my work.

I explained my two professions to him. One is the career I've had for the last 10 years and am still involved in to a certain extent. The other is a career I sort of fell into about a year ago, which is now my main focus. They're awesome jobs (totally unrelated to each other) and most people are intrigued by both of them (I don't want to be more specific here, so you'll have to trust me). But I can certainly understand how a guy with a traditional business background who's looking for a possible wife might (mistakenly) regard one or both of my jobs almost as hobbies rather than serious careers. One thing I really liked about the previous guys is that "Homer" works in my older profession while Bodybuilder Boy works in my newer one (and has a strong interest in the older one) so I knew I'd never have to explain myself to them. While it's disappointing that the way someone perceives my careers in a couple of lines could cause him to lose interest in me, there's not much I can do about that. Perhaps when the topic comes up in the future, I'll only disclose one of the jobs or I'll tell him I work in a variation of the job that's easier to grasp. It wouldn't be fully accurate but it would still be true.

So here's where I stand on the six letters I've sent: three responded immediately then suddenly disappeared. One didn't respond (I'll admit, he was probably out of my league anyway) and two haven't signed on to Match since I wrote them. I assume most people have their Match emails forwarded to their regular mailboxes so it's pretty likely the last two received my emails and saw my enclosed photo but didn't rush to check out my profile so I don't expect to hear from either of them.

I know that sending only six emails in almost four weeks is a pretty pitiful attempt on my part, but that's going to do it for the rest of the year as I think I'd do my chances more harm than good by initiating correspondence so close to Christmas. I'll have to find some other way to keep my Match.com interest alive in the meantime.

EMAIL #1: I consider self-deprecation to be endearing in a person. But there are limits to how much is too much. This guy wrote:

It takes a lot of smarts to be funny so that puts me out of the running. And since i'm still living at home in my parents basement I don't know if 'independent' is the right label either. Maybe we could get together...but it'll have to be after my arraignment (no, really I was holding it for a friend!)

One little comment is cute but when the bulk of his letter consists of these sorts of statements, I can't help but wonder if any of it really is true. Let's face it, it's a brilliant way to reveal less-than-appealing information. When he meets a girl, eventually takes her back to his place and says, "Shhh...my parents are sleeping," he can respond to her look of disgust with, "Hey, I told you upfront that I still live with Mommy and Daddy." I think he overdid it in his attempt at humor, but at least he tried so I browsed his profile. He's 42 and wants kids so I don't know why he'd waste time with me. He also listed 40 major interests. Of that 40, I'm only familiar with about half and not one would make even my top 500 list. Moved to folder: Too worldly for a bum like me.

Question for the guys...WebSurveyor

Day 25: Young, Dumb and Full of...Something

2005-12-12T17:21:00.000-08:00

Match.com stats:
Total profile views: 1384 (12!!! since yesterday)
New received emails: 1 unsolicited, 0 solicited
New sent emails: 0
New winks: 0
Optimism level: 'Tis the season... (with the highest suicide rate)

Ok, this will be my last comment on the low profile views for awhile. I picked a bad time to start my Match experience. People have other priorities during the holidays. Even I haven't looked at any profiles in the last couple of days so I really shouldn't expect others to be looking at mine. BUT COME ON, 12 VIEWS??!! I guess I should be ecstatic I got one email out of that. At least it was a good one.

EMAIL #1: I opened this email and thought the guy strongly resembled Corey Feldman. Not current-day Corey Feldman, mind you, more like the way Corey looked in Stand By Me. In his profile, he listed his age as 22, but he blew it when he wrote: i like older women. prefer 21 to... 30ish. Note to the young lads: if you're going to claim to be 22, don't include 21-year-olds in your list of "older women."

In his email he wrote: So now you get to read my essay and see how well you think we would get along together. I'm sure I'd get along great with this young stud. That is, until I got busted for buying him alcohol (which may be the reason he wrote to me in the first place). As if his youth wasn't questionable enough from his appearance, he wrote: i like... driving trucks, riding bikes. street and dirt. i like going out with the buds and friends and having a good time at bars, clubs or other places like D&B or Game Works (somehow I knew there would be mention of an arcade) i have a young look, but am very mature. i have 2 tats, and piercings. I don't have a problem with tattoos or piercings but that's not usually the sort of info. people offer up as proof of their maturity.

He wrote that: im a musician. guess what i play? (bigstix) think about it. I like the way he tries to be mysterious, then drops a clue even the real Corey Feldman could figure out and still thinks more time is necessary to decipher it all. Hmmm...is it.... cello?

At some point, he remembered his target audience of older women and switched gears. He said that he likes going to "(his) house in Havasu" and that he needs "someone that will act proper at the required times such as dinners, weekends with customers, or business trips." Maybe it really is the cello he plays because you don't hear a lot of stories about drummers having to entertain execs from the head office on weekend golf excursions. I'm curious what's considered "proper" behavior from a drummer's girlfriend. I think that means she waits until her man goes to the bathroom before blowing the lead singer under the dinner table. Moved to folder: So much to learn. So unlikely to learn it.

Question for everybody...WebSurveyor

Day 24: The Experts Know Less Than I Do

2005-12-11T10:30:00.000-08:00

Match.com stats:
Total profile views: 1372 (26 since yesterday)
New received emails: 1 unsolicited, 0 solicited
New sent emails: 0
New winks: 0
Optimism level: Maybe I should omit this until I actually experience optimism.

I stayed off Match today, instead spending a little time browsing other blogs that deal with online dating. I found a few featuring advice from experts. I learned that either what I want is very different from what other women want or these "experts" suck. Here are a couple of suggestions I found offered to men in online dating:

1. Cool your heels. Do not rush into wanting to meet. That scares women to death. It raises a red flag that you may be desperate, or worse, a predator. Instead, try to pursue true friendship first for a long while. She needs to gain your trust first and foremost.

What are we, stupid helpless gazelle drinking from the lions' watering hole? I totally disagree with this advice. The first time I tried Match, I exchanged emails with a guy for most of my monthlong membership. After about his 10th email with no mention of us meeting, I stopped responding. I'm not looking for a pen pal or a phone buddy. I've had my share of long distance relationships and I've learned that when all you have is phone calls or letters, you're forced to fill in some gaps and inevitably, your mind turns the other person into someone they're not. I don't want to waste a guy's time and I don't want him to waste mine. I say get the date over with so we can move on, either together or apart. I would think that the women who aren't comfortable meeting right away probably give some hints in their profile like, "I'm shy and timid and haven't left my apartment in seven years." Something like that. But a lot of us don't want to establish trust and friendship with someone only to throw it all away when we finally meet and realize he's wearing a rug.

As for dropping the guy the way I did with no explanation, I do feel bad about that and I know I could have asked him out, but I realized the kind of man that's right for me goes after what he wants and doesn't wait around for what he wants to come after him.

2. When the discussion about meeting has begun, ask her to come with a friend if she so chooses. Suggest a meeting in daylight, and in a very public place. This gives her more confidence about her safety.

Are a lot of guys asking women to meet them in dark alleys? If a woman is so fearful for her safety that she needs to take all these precautions before meeting somebody in a public place, perhaps she needs to deal with bigger personal issues than finding a man. I'm not suggesting women should be careless, but come on, it really doesn't make much difference if it's daytime or nighttime and if she's with an escort or not, a public place is a public place. The more logical advice would be to meet at a location with front door valet parking so nobody even has to mention the safety issue (and so you can check out what kind of car he drives---I'm kidding--- sorta).

Then there's the "bring a friend" advice. Guys, DO NOT suggest the woman bring a friend. It sounds too much like you're trying to get a little threesome action. And if the woman asks you if she can bring a friend along on your first date, run away. Quickly. She's either doing it because she doesn't think she can hold up half the conversation or she's an insecure clinger who will never do anything alone (if you're the kind of guy who likes to spend long hours standing outside ladies' dressing rooms, then go for it).

I bookmarked a few more blogs and articles to check out in the coming days. It would be great to find a new perspective that forces me to reconsider some of the choices I've made so far. Then again, finding bad advice is more amusing.

EMAIL #1: This is a very curious email. It came from day 3's Dare-To-Say-Seductive Dude who was one of the unlucky souls to receive The Rejection Letter. His initial response to that letter was actually pleasant, saying something like "Interesting response- good luck to you." Today's email from him said:

Hey, what's your schedule like this coming week? Let me know if you're interested in seeing any of the following exhibits at (museum) :

He then listed every tour at the museum for the next two weeks. He closed with: ... I'll write more once I hear back from you.

????????????

For the life of me, I can't figure out the purpose of his email. Could he possibly think I'd go or is he a masochist hoping to receive another rejection from me? Maybe I should submit The Rejection Letter to Penthouse "Forum" because it's caused the recipients of it to keep on coming, over and over again. Or maybe I've stumbled upon the perfect way to meet a man online. Perhaps if I tell a potential match all the things he did wrong in his profile, he'll be instantly smitten. Certainly seems like it could be more effective than the "Hey, it appears we've got a lot in common. I like cow tipping too" approach. Moved to folder: No more rejection erections for him.

Question for the women...WebSurveyor

Day 23: What's the Deal With Guys and Dumb Questions?

2005-12-10T14:31:00.000-08:00

Match.com stats:
Total profile views: 1344 (19 since yesterday)
New received emails: 1 unsolicited, 1 solicited
New sent emails: 1 reply
New winks: 0
Optimism level: Testing, 1, 2, 3. Is this thing on?

EMAIL REPLY #1: This morning I received a reply from one of the guys I wrote to yesterday (the favorite). In his note he wrote: You show alot of wit and spunk in your profile. I like that very much. My first thought was that "spunk" sounds like the sort of adjective Grandpa would use, but it's actually pretty accurate and it's good that he likes spunk. I wrote him back tonight, answered his questions and asked a couple of my own. I hope his next letter suggests getting together. Contact number four seems to be where I'm losing the guys so I've got to get plans nailed down fast.

EMAIL #1: This one had me laughing out loud. Where to begin. He kept it brief, as I've suggested, but it was a bit too brief, with the subject: you are enchanting~! ravishing~! breathtaking! and the body: Mark. Wow, I guess I'm so breathtaking he passed out before he could type the rest of the email. I took a look at his profile and the title says: 6 FOOT 5 CUDDLER HUGGER KISSER SPOONER-LOOKING FOR THE SAME~! Looking for the same? Good luck finding an NBA player who likes to cuddle and spoon. In his narrative, he mentions that he has size 16 feet which tells me he's looking for a stupid woman who actually believes shoe size means anything. Under "religion," he poses a bunch of questions like: why do i have to beg for a pillow on an airline? why is there no bathroom in Subway? Apparently he worships in the temple of Jerry Seinfeld. He does the same thing under "favorite hot spots" and "last read" making me wonder if he's participating in Match.com's "Who can fill their profile with the most useless nonsense" competition. Finally, he writes: Nobody puts baby in the corner. The only guys who can get away with quoting 80's chick flicks are raging homosexuals. Maybe this guy is hilarious in person, but he didn't pull it off in print. Moved to folder: Put baby in the corner.

Question for the women...WebSurveyor

Day 22: Gotta be in it to Win it

2005-12-09T19:20:00.000-08:00

Match.com stats:
Total profile views: 1325 (34 since yesterday)
New received emails: 1 unsolicited
New sent emails: 2 new, 0 reply
New winks: 2
Optimism level: Throw enough punches and I'm gonna land a hit sooner or later.

I sent out TWO emails today (and the crowd goes wild). When you compose an email on Match there's a big banner on top that says: (screen name) is waiting to hear from you! They actually put the exclamation point in there, suggesting a sense of urgency or excitement. The punctuation makes perfect sense when compared to statements like: "There's a bomb on the plane!" "I just won a million dollars!" "Dorkman69 is waiting to hear from you!"

I want to write to Match and say, "No he's not!" or "If he'd been waiting, he would have written me back!"

I had planned to send out three letters today, then noticed that the guy I wrote to two days ago (who seems very compatible) hasn't logged on to Match in three days, so there's a possibility he hasn't read my email and/or my profile. Since that door isn't officially shut just yet, I decided to send out only two emails today.

The two guys I wrote to are completely different from one another. The first is one of the guys I consider a favorite, though I'm not exactly sure why. He's nice looking (even at seven years my senior) but more importantly, there's something about him that feels comfortable. I think it's the look of sincerity in his eyes and smile that I don't observe in a lot of pictures. Beyond that, he comes across as an intelligent well-rounded guy with a stable lifestyle. He sounds warm and safe. On the other hand, there's no real indication of a sense of humor in his profile so that's the big question for me. In my letters, I've tried to be myself but also stick to the overall tone of the guy's profile. So I kept my email to him short and sweet. I noticed he visited my profile after I sent the email, so I assume I'll either hear from him tomorrow or I won't hear from him at all.

The other guy I wrote to is almost the complete opposite. He appeals to my crazier side. He didn't say much at all in his profile about who he is or what he likes. Instead he wrote this absurd analogy between himself and women and birds that I thought was funny yet somewhat complex. Since I prefer to connect with someone's personality instead of their stats, I appreciated his approach. So I replied with a similarly ridiculous letter about how I fit into his duck and swan analogy. It wasn't the type of letter I'd usually write but I cracked myself up too much not to send it. I figure either we're on the same wavelength and he'll adore me or we're not and he'll think I'm a kook. And if that's the case, no harm, no fowl (sorry).

EMAIL #1: Aside from the fact that this fellow lives about half an hour away and he's wearing a Sherlock Holmes hat in his picture, this guy sounds too...nice. I hate to say that like it's a bad thing but there's just a limit to how many syrupy words a guy can use in a short narrative before he stops sounding like a man. I'm not one of those women who buys into the "sensitive man" thing. This one sounds like he could be brought to tears too easily, and I believe there are only three occasions when a guy should cry: when someone dies, when his lover leaves him and when his favorite team loses the championship (and then, only if he had money on the game). He included several lines of various compliments to me in his email. In my experiences, people who dole out excessive compliments almost always suffer self esteem issues. I appreciate a well-deserved compliment, but when there are too many, they take away from the authenticity of the others rendering them meaningless. Let's face it, nobody cares about Paula Abdul's compliments- everybody wants Simon Cowell's because they know when he gives it, he means it. In the end, I think I'm just too much man for this gentleman. Moved to folder: Nice guys finish last (but hopefully, with nice ladies by their sides).

Question for the women...WebSurveyor

Day 21: Anal Eyes Fifa

2005-12-08T06:46:00.000-08:00

Match.com stats:
Total profile views: 1291 (33 since yesterday)
New received emails: 0
New sent emails: 0
New winks: 0
Optimism level: I might have to change the title of my blog.

In yesterday's comments section, someone posed the following:

Amazing! You spend an incredible amount of time analyzing people, and yourself. And, you focus on one or two prospects at a time, before moving on. Is it you, or women in general, you think?

First let me state that I'm a detail-oriented person so I pick up on things others might miss. I notice all the little negatives but I also notice (and appreciate) the little positives- like the "please" and "thank you's"- so it all balances out. And I'm in a profession that's forced me to hone the ability to process a lot of information quickly. My lengthy blogs are a result of the fact that I type very fast and not that I'm spending "an incredible amount of time anyalyzing" everything. Perhaps the analysis appears extensive because a few seconds' worth of thoughts takes a bit longer to describe in print. Yes, I'm analytical. I analyze myself to try to become a better person and to avoid repeating mistakes. I analyze the men on Match because I'm looking for a serious relationship (possibly even marriage) with the right guy. If I sound extremely selective, it's because I am. I don't foresee a future where I tell people, "I used to be really picky, but then I dropped my standards drastically and that's when I met my husband Ted here!" And the poor shmuck nods along, him carrying my purse while I carry his balls.

As for me pursuing only one or two prospects at a time, a few days ago I explained that when I'm really interested in something or someone, I tend to be very focused in that direction. I know from dating multiple guys in the past, that one was always the favorite and the others sort of fell by the wayside. I'm in no hurry to find a man. There's no impending reunion for which I need a date. I'd rather take my time and give some thoughtful consideration to each guy who shows real potential.

Do all women analyze situations the way I do? I don't know. Probably not. I see many women who end up in bad relationships because they either ignored or were oblivious to the red flags that popped up early on, like the little gold band on a guy's ring finger. It would be great to find similar blogs from men and women so I could compare notes but in the meantime I have to rely on past experience and instincts to guide me in my selections (God sure ain't gonna help me).

That all said, I might have to spend a little extra time analyzing why I didn't hear from the guy I wrote to yesterday (or anybody else for that matter) and determine my next plan of action. Out of the 26 guys on my "favorites" list, there are only two or three more who really strike my fancy. Given how this proces has gone so far, I wonder if it's wise to keep going after the ones who interest me most when maybe there's something I should be doing differently with my emails or profile. Tomorrow, instead of searching for new guys, I think I'll spend some time going through the profiles I've already collected and figure out some sort of pecking order for contacting them.

Question for the men...

WebSurveyor

Question for the women...WebSurveyor

Day 20: Broad Appeal

2005-12-07T21:55:00.000-08:00

Match.com stats:
Total profile views: 1258 (54 since yesterday)
New received emails: 2 unsolicited
New sent emails: 1 new, 0 reply
New winks: 1
Optimism level: Onward and upward.

It's been three days since I emailed "Homer" and four days since I called Bodybuilder Boy, so now I have to determine if there's something I did in a 20 second voice mail or three line email message to cause their disappearing acts. As for the phone message, I get a lot of compliments on my voice, so I'm certain it's not that. In my last email message to Bodybuilder Boy, I mentioned that every time I read or responded to one of his emails the song line that opens his profile would get stuck in my head for hours. So when I left the message I referenced that fact then quipped if we ever actually met I might end up at a nutty farm as a result. Maybe he took me too seriously and decided to spare my sanity.

As for nailing down any mistakes I may have made with "Homer," that's even tougher. The only one I could really come up with was that it took me three days to respond to his last email. It really wasn't intentional on my part. I knew he was out of town so I didn't think there was any need to rush with a response and the right words didn't hit me. Time just sort of escaped me before I realized I needed to reply. So the delay was a possible reason that hit me immediately. Then I decided to check out the website I knew he had and it turns out there's a blog on there. There is a gap in the blog from mid-October to Dec. 1 then one more post today. In today's he wrote: My sex life is completely dependent on my dial up connection... No one wants to talk face to face anymore. 'Call me, e-mail me, text message me.' Jesus, how bad is my breath?!" I considered the fact that my last letter instructed him to email me when he got the chance. That seemed reasonable given that he was away and he'd indicated he didn't have the "time or resolve" to invest in a relationship. It would have been a lot weirder for me to say, "As soon as you drop off your bags, let's meet for a drink." With "Homer," I think he sent mixed messages and doesn't really know what he wants. I'm not a psychic so there's nothing I can do about that. In the end, I don't feel I made any particular missteps, I guess it just wasn't meant to be with either of these guys.

No sense dwelling on a couple of screen names- I've already contacted my next prospect. This guy sounds so similar to me it's almost frightening. I realized that with the omission of one word I could easily replace my narrative with his. We sound almost perfect for each other- the "almost" being the religion issue. He said in his profile that he's very spiritual but obviously has a disdain for religion. Since some people's definition of "spiritual" can have nothing to do with God, it's hard to know exactly where he stands. I guess his response (or lack thereof) will tell me.

EMAIL #1: This guy did a good job on his profile. His narrative is well-written and he made the right photo choices. He chose the best picture to be his primary photo and included other images that look similar enough to get a good idea of what he looks like. Unfortunately, what he looks like really isn't my type and he's an inch shorter than me. In his email, he asked A LOT of questions about my profile- good questions, grammatically-correct questions- but if I answered them all, there might be nothing left to talk about if we met. This one's a dilemma because he sounds like a decent guy but there's nothing that really grabs me. I still need that practice date, so I'll have to consider him. Moved to folder: It can't hurt... can it?

EMAIL #2: This character is a doozy. First of all, the guy lives 2000 miles away. How many months of rejection on Match does it take for someone's search to reach the other end of the continent? Somebody kill me if I go beyond the next county. He's got a plan for getting to know one another, offering up a Yahoo messenger ID, an MSN messenger ID and two email addresses. I don't even know that many methods for contacting my own parents. Then he signed the email, "Love always..." Maybe I could forgive that particular flap if he was a teenage girl, but a 45-year-old man should know better. Moved to folder: Needs the contact info. for a good therapist.

Today's wink came from a guy who's three years younger and four inches shorter than me. Oh, and he lives in Armenia. Talk about leaving no stone unturned.

Question for everybody... WebSurveyor

Question for everybody...WebSurveyor

Day 19: Boring Day, Boring Blog

2005-12-06T17:05:00.000-08:00

Match.com stats:
Total profile views: 1204 (49 since yesterday)
New received emails: 0
New sent emails:0
New winks: 0
Optimism level: Tough to put a positive spin on all those zeros.

I noticed in my searches, that Match always displays 34 pages of results (with 10 guys per page). Even after removing profiles, there would still be 34 pages, which told me I needed to be even more selective in the people I kept if I wanted to see all available matches. While my previous criteria required me to see the slightest potential for sexual activity, my new criteria is to eliminate anybody I can't imagine initiating correspondence with (odd that I have higher standards for email activity than for sexual activity). I figure if any of the guys I removed from searches writes me, I'll give him a closer look, but since I can't see myself starting up the conversation, I might as well make room for others.

Looking through my compilation of favorites (I have 27), I noticed a similarity in most of their pictures: they're smiling, and not just a grin, they're showing off a full set of teeth. Only two images feature guys who aren't smiling and maybe a handful are smiling with closed mouths. And all but two are close-up face shots of the guys looking right at the camera. I don't think it's that all the attractive guys are smiling but rather that the guys who are smiling appear more attractive. Match needs to offer some sort of profile advice service to clue people in about photo decisions because some bad choices are probably hurting their chances of meeting a match (and they're definitely hurting mine).

On day 5, I discussed some of the major picture problems, but now I see a lot more popping up that I need to address. One is the photographic history of the guy's life. Don't guys realize that by displaying their modelling pictures from 15 years ago, it only shows us how much they've degenerated? I don't want to sort through 10 shots trying to guess which one's current, just show me the face I might possibly meet. Today I saw one that was even weirder than the hottie shots. I noticed that one of the guys who had previously sent me a wink but who didn't have a primary photo had 20 additional photos so I gave them a look. Almost all of them were photos of his little yippy dog in ballerina costumes! No wonder the guy didn't want to show his face.

The next photo issue that's getting to me is the one with the guy on the phone. Why do guys submit these? Do they think we'll all assume they're soooo busy they couldn't put down the phone to take a picture? I don't think anyone's ever taken a photo of me while I was on the phone and if they have, I certainly wasn't looking at the camera smiling. The funniest instance of this was the guy who was obviously taking pictures of himself with a computer camera (I could tell because he was looking slightly to the side in every picture and had a glow on his face). He submitted not one but two different phone shots as if he'd tried over and over to get that perfect one and then couldn't decide between the final two. There's a limit to how contrived a photo should appear.

I have to mention the shirtless pics again, because now I see a new horrific but hilarious variation on the theme. It's where guys take pictures of their bodies in the mirror. And a lot of them don't even have great bodies! The dude's standing there in that awful bathroom lighting, camera in one hand and an expression that says, "Play your cards right and you could be touching this on our first date." One of the guys who did this was a good looking doctor, but I still had to take him out of the dating pool. I just can't let bad judgment calls like that slide.

Again I wonder, is it asking too much for a simple face shot?

Still no word from "Homer" or Bodybuilder Boy. I'm not giving up hope I'll hear from "Homer," but I'm pretty certain if Bodybuilder Boy was going to return my call, he'd have done so by now. Makes me wonder if even my voice mail skills need a lot of work! In any event, the next guy on my list is someone I'm anxious to contact so I think I'll shoot him an email tomorrow.

Question for the women... WebSurveyor

Day 18: Not-So-Mature Viewing

2005-12-05T11:34:00.000-08:00

Match.com stats:
Total profile views: 1155 (28 since yesterday)
New received emails: 1 unsolicited, 0 solicited
New winks: 3
Optimism level: Nobody likes Mondays.

For the last few days, I've been bitching about the low profile views and responses. It finally occurred to me that when I changed my narrative, I also added more-specific answers to some of the other categories. So when guys do searches for distinct characteristics, I'm probably not showing up very often. I guess I should be thrilled when anyone finds my page at this point.

Today I was browsing through profiles removing "unfuckables" at a furious pace when I stumbled upon a particularly ghastly image. I think with most people, the ability to appeal to a wide audience is within their grasp, if not already, then with a few adjustments. So if I don't find a guy handsome, it's usually because of style choices he's made that other women might find attractive. But this poor guy was screwed the second the sperm hit the egg. Nothing short of a surgeon could help him in the looks department. I know it sounds harsh, but the reality is that there are very few, if any, women who are so unconcerned with physical attraction that they would ever click on his profile. Anyway, I was about to hit "remove" for this guy but accidentally clicked on his screen name instead, thus opening his profile and allowing him to know I'd viewed it. I actually yelled out, "NOOOO!!!" As if I'd just clicked a button releasing nuclear bombs all over the globe. I had to laugh at my overdramatics and remind myself I'm not so special I'm going to get my own online stalker simply for viewing his page.

EMAIL #1: This guy's email had the subject: Enigmatic and body: I like the smile and the candor. While I'm definitely starting to think short and sweet is the way to go for most guys, it's still a good idea to open some sort of conversation. But after the other emails I've received, the use of words like "enigmatic" and "candor" made him seem like William Shakespeare so I gave his profile a perusal. The first thing I noticed is that he has two kids. I should probably mention that I don't have a problem with a guy who has kids that don't live with him full time. I like kids and I'm good with them, I just don't want to live the mom lifestyle 24/7. Then I noticed he lives about 45 minutes to an hour away, depending on traffic. Even though I listed an interest in men up to 30 miles away, I can barely muster the interest to meet somebody two miles away. A guy would have to sound pretty spectacular for me to bother with the 405 freeway. I really can't find anything wrong with him or his profile (that's a first!), but there's also nothing that especially excites me. Moved to folder: Location, location, location.

I didn't hear from "Homer" or Bodybuilder Boy. I know the smart thing would be for me to give myself more options. My concern with writing to too many guys at once is that I know if I'm more interested in one guy, I won't give proper consideration to the other guys (such is the case with "Homer" over Bodybuilder Boy). I don't want to deny myself the opportunity to get to know and appreciate a guy because I have higher hopes with someone else. On the other hand, I don't want to waste a lot of time on something that may go nowhere. I think I'll give the guys another day, maybe two, to get in touch with me and make plans to meet. In the meantime, I'll figure out who my next target(s) will be.

Question for the women... WebSurveyor

Day 17: Bad Religion

2005-12-04T15:27:00.000-08:00

Match.com stats:
Total profile views: 1128 (23 since yesterday)
New received emails: 1 unsolicited, 0 solicited
New sent emails: 0 new, 2 reply
New winks: 3
Optimism level: Wondering if I'll get a refund if I cut my subscription to a month.

Twenty three page views on a Sunday??!! I'm starting to wonder if Match found my blog, determined it was me writing it and tucked my profile at the back of every search to spare the feelings of unsuspecting members who might write me. They won't even approve my requested match words. They started something last week where they selected these match words from each person's page and put them in a sidebar. Visitors can click on a word and find other people who included the same word in their profile. You can remove any match words from your page but can only instantly add words that come from some unknown permissible list. Any other additions must be approved. Never one to take anything too seriously, I tried adding "clinically insane" and "sponge worthy." Three days and I haven't received a response. The least they could do is send me one of their own pre-made rejections.

EMAIL #1: This guy obviously read through my profile (I'm sure he would have included "tempura" if it was still there) and sent a well-written email. He mentioned some things he liked about me and told me a little about himself. He sounded decent so I decided to check out his profile. His main picture shows a clear image of his face, however, there's a tv on in the background and I found myself more interested in figuring out who's on the tv than actually looking at him. Not a good sign. His only other picture features him at a table and he looks like a celebrity whose picture was unexpectedly snapped by a fan in the middle of dinner. I took a better glance at the first picture and realized the expression is the same. This makes me curious if he always looks like that or if he thinks appearing stunned will draw in the ladies. He lists his religion as Jewish so that pretty much eliminates him as a contender. There almost needs to be a ranking on the religious scale. I could probably handle a Buddhist or Christian who's a three or four on the scale, but couldn't go any higher than a two for some other religions. When it comes to Jews, Catholics and Mormons there are just WAY too many goofy rules that I can't help but ridicule, which means I can't be very supportive of a partner who actually follows all those rules. Oh, and I love bacon. His profile statements are all clipped- three or four word answers where most people write a few sentences. And he declares "dancing" to be a turn-off. Even if he doesn't like to dance, what kind of person gets turned off by an expression of pure joy? Moved to folder: Won't be dancing to "Havah Nagilah" with him.

PRIOR EMAIL REJECTION: I got halfway through an acceptance letter of sorts to Christian Music Lover (day 15) then suddenly scrapped it and sent a "No, thanks." There are definitely some positive aspects to him: He's fairly attractive and writes well (that's becoming a huge turn-on for me) and he comes across as having a good personality. But there were a bunch of little things that started adding up that finally made me think we're not right for each other. For one thing, he's an inch shorter than me and lists his body shape as "slender." In the couple 3/4 shots, he looks quite skinny. Ideally, I don't want to be bigger than the guy but that alone is not a deal-breaker. He says his background is Irish, German and Scottish and writes: YES, I can be a challenged tanner in the summer. :-) This, too, is far from a deal-breaker but I tend to prefer my men like my meat: medium well. Then he mentions "sarcasm" as a turn-off. What's with all these people who don't like a smartass? Sure, you don't want to spend every day with Bea Arthur's Dorothy from Golden Girls, but who doesn't love a little Chandler Bing from Friends?

Next up was the income issue. I'm surprised that so many people advertise their income range as that's very personal information and shouldn't really matter to prospective dates. Most guys do list their income (or at least the income they would like to project) but under "About my date" they usually list her income as "Any." Christian Music Lover skipped the first three options and starts his woman at 50K and up. Again, I'm not clear why that should be important to him unless he expects the woman to buy her own drinks on the first date (and he shouldn't- while I'll always pull out my wallet to pay, any guy who's even remotely interested in me but won't pony up the $6 for my drink just doesn't get it. And won't ever get it from me).

Finally, I kept coming back to the Christian music listening. He even lists the station number as if hoping a woman would read his profile and respond, "I love that station! I listen to it every day!" Despite whatever religious affiliations people list on their profiles, I don't believe most of them actively practice those beliefs (thus the need for a scale). I think this way because the majority of the people I meet in the real world who call themselves Jews or Catholics or whatever don't regularly attend services or follow the tenets of their religions (remember, I live in LA, not the Bible Belt). So this "spirtual but not religious" guy who "often" listens to Christian radio sounds like God's role in his life may be bigger than it is in some of the guys who claim to adhere to a particular religion. Sorry, Christian Music Lover, had to send the "No, thanks."

I responded to "Homer" today. I made a quick comment about his email address then asked him to drop me a line when he had the chance. I think he's travelling tomorrow so I don't expect to hear from him before Tuesday. Bodybuilder Boy didn't call, but I changed my ringtone for him so I will be alerted when he does. I realized I don't have time to play phone tag with him as I'd like to get all the mistakes out of the way with him before a possible date with "Homer," who I'm actually anxious to get to know.

Day 16: Neverending Rejection

2005-12-03T23:47:00.000-08:00

Match.com stats:
Total profile views: 1105 (33 since yesterday)
New received emails: 2 unsolicited, 0 solicited
New sent emails: 0
New winks: 1
Optimism level: My approval rating's dropping faster than George Dubya's.

EMAIL #1: This came from one of the guys to whom I sent that stupid rejection letter last week. He wrote:

You sounds fantasitic!!! that was quite a response you last sent me....!! I love it.

I had to laugh because he was obviously being sarcastic. I thought his approach was cute until I realized this was the guy who replied last week with, "You're a dork!" Then a few days later, he sent me one of the pre-made Match rejections. So now it just seems weird that a 42-year-old guy who claims to be a "director at one of the major networks" has the time or energy to continue to reject my rejection of him. I thought about blocking his emails, but I'm not sure if he would know he was blocked. And he's coming across just creepy enough that I should probably know if he continues to write me. After all, he's seen my picture and I still haven't seen his. Moved to folder: Beware of this guy's casting couch.

EMAIL #2: This one sounds perfect for me!! He's tall and...and...he's tall. Well, I'm guessing height was enough of a reason for him to write me because I don't see anything else we have in common. He's a Catholic guy who "definitely" wants kids and says he's looking for a Catholic woman who "definitely" wants kids. Makes me wonder if he found the profile of a chubby Catholic black woman anxious to be impregnated then clicked on "view others like her" and stumbled upon my profile. Even if he wasn't such an obvious mismatch, the fact that he claims to be an executive with a graduate degree yet can't seem to manage one capital letter in his entire profile just doesn't sit well with me. Moved to folder: Needs to assign his Match search to his secretary.

I called Bodybuilder Boy. I knew that if I didn't do it tonight, I'd probably never do it, so I got it out of the way (if I had a therapist, he'd be so proud). I was relieved to get his voice mail, then it occurred to me that means he'll call me back, I won't answer and then I'll have to call him back. It's a vicious cycle. Rereading what I just wrote, I realize how neurotic I sound. Honestly, the phone thing is my only real neurosis- I don't think I could survive with any more.

I still haven't replied to "Homer"'s last email, mostly because I don't know what to say. Given the conflicting messages I've inferred from his emails, I can't figure what, if any, interest he has in me. I want to play this one carefully because he seems like a great match for me, at least on paper. I'm pretty sure he gets back into town on Monday, so I need to work out the email soon.

Day 15: Want Long Term, not a "Tempura"ry Man

2005-12-02T22:16:00.000-08:00

Match.com stats:
Total profile views: 1062 (28 since yesterday)
New received emails: 2 unsolicited, 0 solicited
New sent emails: 0 new, 1 reply
Optimism level: Surely things will pick up over the weekend.

I tweaked my profile slightly today, removing the "tempura" request. I think it's been well-established that most guys either don't read the full narrative or they forget to include "tempura" in their emails. Since I'm not going to reject a guy on the basis of its omission, I figured I should eliminate the appearance of a power trip from my profile. Farewell tempura!

The only change I made to the profile was to remove a few lines but a while later I received an email from Match saying they couldn't approve my profile because either my headline or username didn't meet their terms of service. I was a bit baffled since I hadn't changed either of those. Long story short, my page was down completely for several hours for some unclear reason so that certainly didn't help in the page views department.

EMAIL #1: FINALLY, another email! He wrote: mi nombre es javier la verdad es q te ves muy bien There's no picture to go along with the email, but I'm going to go out on a limb and guess he's not blonde. I do have a thing for foreigners, particularly Hispanic boys, but when I can detect spelling and grammatical errors in another language, that's a really bad sign. Moved to folder: Usted no puede manejar la verdad.

EMAIL #2: Just in- one more email. This guy's the first to write me who looks attractive in his photos. His profile is well-written and he doesn't want children. Sounds good so far. He lists his faith as "spiritual but not religious." I usually take that designation to mean maybe the person was brought up with certain religious beliefs but that he hasn't attended church services in years. That's a good thing. However, underneath it he writes that he often listens to Christian XM radio at home. Given that he calls "sarcasm" a turn-off, it's not likely he's joking. Even Christians tease people who listen to Christian music. What the hell is a "spiritual but not religious" guy doing listening to it, not just occasionally, but "often?" Everything else about him sounds pretty tolerable but that one really has me perplexed. I have to stop being so picky so I'll probably write him back. At the very least, maybe I'll get some answers. Moved to folder: When Elaine discovered Puddy listened to Christian radio, did she still consider him sponge-worthy?

Late last night I sent Bodybuilder Boy my phone number. There was something about the tone in his previous email that really made me think he'd never call. Needless to say, I was quite surprised to hear a message from him a couple hours ago. I have to admit, he sounded good on the phone. His message was fairly brief, but his personality sounded more like the one I detected in his profile than the one in his emails. Now I'm not sure what to think of him. I dread having to return his call, but as much as I feel I need blind-date practice, I think I need pre-blind-date phone practice even more.

Day 14: End of the First Fortnight

2005-12-01T20:00:00.000-08:00

Match.com stats:
Total profile views: 1035 (51 since yesterday)
New received emails: 0 unsolicited, 1 reply
New sent emails: 0 new, 0 reply
New winks: 1
Optimism level: Getting a better response from my blog than my Match profile.

Two days in a row with low profile views and no emails. At this rate, I'll have nothing to write about by the time Monday rolls around. Since I'm not even bothering with the guys who said they "definitely" or "someday" want kids, I decided to do a search just for guys leaning toward no kids. I've noticed that they're not the most attractive bunch- maybe that's the reason they don't want to reproduce. When you find someone you like, there's an option on Match that lets you "view others like him." They then provide three people's profiles. The selections always seemed to be in the same looks range, which lead me to believe the people at Match assign a rating to each person based on their pictures. I decided to check out who the others "like" me are. One of the women actually was similar in appearance to me, but the second one looked to be about 30 pounds heavier and the last one was black! Our profiles sounded completely different- the only thing we all seemed to have in common was our height. Maybe I think too highly of myself to expect I shouldn't be lumped together with the heavy woman, but I don't believe it's unrealistic to assume that anybody who's looking for a black woman isn't looking for me. I don't know how my profile got categorized the way it was but I think I'm getting screwed on the "view others" option and maybe that's keeping guys from being directed to my page.

I received a letter from "Homer" today. He wrote:

here's my email.
i'm on the road until next week.
hope all is well. (snip)@yahoo.com

I'm glad he wrote me but he didn't answer the couple questions I asked in my last email, which forces me to start a new discussion. I'm uncertain as to the purpose of his response. Is he just being polite because we have mutual friends or does he actually have some interest in getting to know me? He already indicated he doesn't have the time or strength to invest in a relationship right now. I don't want to be that chick who keeps writing him letters he doesn't want to receive. I think I might wait another day then say something like he should drop me a line when he gets back into town. That puts the weight on him to strike up the conversation- if he even wants to.

I haven't sent Bodybuilder Boy my phone number yet but I probably will tonight. As I wrote in yesterday's comments section, I think it would be a good idea to meet him so I can make the inevitable blind date mistakes with someone I'm not too excited about instead of somebody I am.

Day 13: I Don't Wanna Talk on the Phone

2005-11-30T22:57:00.000-08:00

Match.com stats:
Total profile views: 984 (32 since yesterday)
New received emails: 0 unsolicited, 1 solicited
New sent emails: 1 new, 1 reply
New winks: 0
Optimism level: Maybe Match was down for maintenance all day.

It's as if my profile jumped off the radar screen today. I had very few profile views and no new emails or winks. It's become apparent that my match probably isn't going to find me so I'm going to have to make greater efforts to find him.

SENT EMAIL #1: I sent out another email last night, this time to my favorite guy on the list. This guy seems too good to be true- gorgeous, funny and playful, with very similar interests. And his job as a lawyer isn't too shabby. I was going to put off writing to him a little while, test the waters with a few others first, but he listed his religion as Protestant and it appears that some sort of religious affiliation might be important to him in a partner. I figured, if for no other reason, he might reject me on that basis so I might as well get him out of the way in order to focus on other prospects. I can see that he checked out my profile today so I take that to mean my main picture, which is included in emails, is all right. However, he hasn't written me back yet. People who are interested tend to respond fairly quickly on Match, so I'm guessing he's dogging me. Sniff. Where's that razor blade?

SENT EMAIL #2: I also replied to Bodybuilder Boy last night and explained that mornings weren't good for me and that I didn't think it was wise for me to give out my number. I even made reference to his "busy social calendar" (ha!) saying that if he found some free time he should email me and we could try to make plans. This was his response:

Subject: Gamble
emailing as opposed to talking on the phone for making plans just sounds silly to me. How many people out there really have the energy to be psycho anyway? I promise you, I'm far to lazy to ever be a nuisance. If you're convinced, then great, give me a number; if not then I wish you the best of luck, M

The first time I read it, I thought he was calling ME psycho for wanting to make plans through email. Then I reread it and realized what he meant. But isn't that exactly what a psychotic scam artist would tell you? "Trust me, I'm not psycho." The truth is, I'm really not too concerned about any harm that could be caused by giving out my number. It's just that I never answer calls from unknown numbers so he'd have to leave a message and then I'd have to call him back, which I probably wouldn't do. As I've said, I hate talking on the phone to strangers. I suffer from a bit of A.D.D. when on the phone and the person on the other line can always tell I'm doing something else. It's just not my best element for getting to know somebody. I'm also curious why, given that I expressed some concern, he didn't leave his number? Wouldn't that have made sense? He came across pretty aggressive in this email so my interest is waning. But I think it might be a good idea to meet him just to get in some practice for later guys with whom I see more potential. I guess I'll send him my number but I'm going to wait another day to give the hint that I'm not overly anxious to meet him.

ANOTHER REJECTION RESPONSE: I actually did receive one other email today, from a guy I rejected (not with the awful rejection letter I sent out a few days ago). It was the guy on day 10 about whom I said I'd decide in 48 hours. He sent me a wink yesterday so I wrote to him saying that I liked his smile and his profile but that it appeared to me we wanted different things in the future so I wished him luck. He wrote me back and this was the bulk of the letter:

You've now presented *me* with quite a puzzler... I'm not 100% sure what to make of it. Is it possible to have a lukewarm rejection? ;-) I normally don't try a second time on the Internet thing but --- maybe we should at least have a phone call?
Especially since you were talking about the future... I'm not sure where I said anything particular about the future. Except maybe children. But as you can see, I didn't reply "definitely"

Then he left his number and asked me to call him. Yeah, that's gonna happen. This final paragraph kind of sealed it that he's not for me and confirmed the confusion I wrote about regarding options available for the "Wants Children" category. He answered "Someday." Now suddenly he's flip-flopping to indicate maybe kids aren't a necessity. If that's the case, he should have answered "Not Sure." I'd rather meet a guy who's not sure of what he wants than a guy who could be changing his position simply because he wants to get laid. I already rejected him once and gave him the courtesy of a reason so it's pointless to state it again. I really need to stick to those pre-made rejection responses in the future.

Finally, I haven't heard back from "Homer." He did say, "Tell me more," which is why I responded to him. Perhaps he doesn't have Internet access while he's out of town or perhaps he was being polite with the "Tell me more." Given that we're in the same business and have a lot of mutual friends, I'd be surprised if he just ignored my last letter but I suppose it's possible.

Day 12: Size Doesn't Matter (Well...)

2005-11-29T21:20:00.000-08:00

Match.com stats:
Total profile views: 952 (68 since yesterday)
New received emails: 0 unsolicited, 1 solicited
New sent emails: 1 new, 1 reply
New winks: 1
Optimism level: I like what I'm seeing.

Given the short action period I mentioned yesterday, I decided not to waste my time writing to the second tier guys and went straight for one of my top guns. He looked cute in his picture and his profile was very funny. I figured one possible problem might be the fact that I'm a year older than his age range (so one year older than he is). But I figured the worst he can do is reject me. I wrote the letter and read it over at least once, probably twice, but it wasn't until I read the cc sent to me that I noticed I made a typo. I wrote, "...you can view me profile..." instead of "my profile." Great. Now he thinks I'm a pirate. Pull out the puffy shirt because apparently he's not averse to pirates! He wrote me back first thing this morning:

Right now I've been dating a lot, am not really sure what it is that I'm looking for. You are definitely someone I'd like to know, so let's grab coffee one morning. Your line about (snip) had me laughing out loud. If you'd like to get coffee, leave me your number and I'll call u. Good luck, M

I'm happy he responded but I'm somewhat conflicted by what he wrote. First of all, I'm not sure why he had to mention he's dating a lot. Maybe it's in case we go out and he doesn't like me he can fall back on the "things are getting serious with someone else" excuse. Or maybe he wants to come across as particularly desirable. I don't know. The fact that my line of work involves an interest of his makes me wonder if that's why I'm "definitely someone (he'd) like to know." The next problem is the coffee-in-the-morning thing. I do enjoy coffee, but the only time I do mornings is if I'm still up from the night before. I don't see how mornings are a good time to meet for anybody. Doesn't he know how important good lighting is on a first date? And alcohol? Finally, I don't really like that he asked me for my number off the bat. It would be one thing if he offered his but he should realize how uncomfortable it is for a woman to share hers.

On the other hand, he thought something stupid I wrote in my profile was funny, so clearly he has great taste J. If he had written me this letter out of the blue, there's a possibility I'd move it to one of my scary folders. Actually, no. Based on his profile and picture I'd probably move him to one of my questionable folders. But since I wrote to him first, I shouldn't just write him off. So I guess I'll let him know I'm interested in coffee- the later the better- if he can squeeze me in between all his other dates. Yes, I'll phrase it differently. And I'm not sending him my number.

Before responding to his email, I decided to check out his profile again. In his face shot he looks as if he'd be kind of skinny. Personally, I prefer guys on the meatier side, but body shape isn't a huge factor for me. OF COURSE I clicked on his picture to see if there were others before I wrote him in the first place, but saw none. Well, today when I clicked on his picture it enlarged to a full body shot. I don't know why it didn't do that before. Turns out he's huge. Bodybuilder huge (See? Cheesy shirtless pics aren't necessary to show off a good bod). Yowza! While it's definitely nice to look at, I've dated guys with perfect bodies in the past and it tends to make me feel insecure about my own body. Every time he touches a squishy spot I'm thinking that he's thinking, "Eww. I'm touching a squishy spot." Strange as it sounds, his body could be a deterrent for me. I like a guy who works out enough to stay in shape but he's clearly at the level where developing and maintaining his body is a big focus for him. I'm not sure I want a guy with priorities like that. I suppose the fact that I'm not quite so excited about him could work to my advantage should we meet. It eliminates that need for him to like me so I'll probably be more comfortable. And if things don't work out between us, it won't feel like a big loss.

I didn't receive any other emails today, not even from "Homer." But I knew he would be traveling today so I didn't expect to hear from him. I need to give myself plenty of options so I think tonight I'll figure out who my next target should be and shoot off an email to him.

Day 11: Dr. Phil Wants to Help ME?

2005-11-28T17:37:00.000-08:00

Match.com stats:
Total profile views: 884 ( 44 since yesterday)
New emails: 2 ("tempura" count: 4/16, sent email: 1)
New winks: 3
Optimism level: Gotta spread the eggs to several baskets

For some reason the page views dropped significantly today. It can't be because of the new narrative because they'd have to open my profile to read it. Maybe people are tired of seeing my stupid mug in their searches. Or maybe I need to stop hiding my profile while I browse others because I seem to have a tough time remembering to turn it back on.

I received a response from "Homer" today and he included "tempura" (yay). He said I don't look familiar to him, which I expected as it was a long time ago we met and my crush on him was from afar. Here's the last section of his letter:

Are you looking for a playmate, a tennis partner, a longtime companion?
I got divorced two years ago and have been on and off these sites over the last few months.
I really don't have the time, or the resolve, quite frankly, to invest in a relationship.
Sad but true.
Glad to hear you're enjoying your new gig.
Tell me more

The fact that he has to ask what I'm looking for emphasizes Match's stupidity in not including this question on the profiles. I might write to them about it. Normally, I would interpret his relationship statement to mean, "Not interested, don't write me again." But then he wrote, "Tell me more." Taken together, I gather he might want to meet me, though I shouldn't expect much. So I won't. He's out of town for a couple weeks so nothing's happening with him anytime soon anyway. Maybe I'll shoot off a couple emails to other guys tonight.

I do need to hustle a bit, given my bad timing in starting this process. I figure I've only got about two or three weeks to get something going with someone before the online dating scene goes on hiatus for the holidays. Then once the new season begins after new year's, there's only about a month before I expect everybody to break for that awkward pre-Valentine's Day stage.

EMAIL #1: This is certainly the most interesting (and unusual) email I've received thus far. At first I was a bit taken back by the picture- it was a woman. I wasn't sure if it was a lesbian thing or a stop-viewing-my-man's-profile thing. It turns out she works for Match.com public relations. She wrote:

I'm working with producers from the Dr. Phil show on a segment about internet dating.
I am looking for three Match.com members who are interested in sharing their internet dating questions with Dr. Phil on Friday, December 2 for a segment of the show (Questions could include which photos to use, what to say in your headline, what to say in a first email, etc.). Individuals who participate in the Friday taping would also get to attend the filming of the show on December 15.

Wow! What an incredible opportunity. I would get to travel all the way to downtown Hollywood and they would pay me nothing to be humiliated on national television!

Uh, no thanks.

I'm tempted to write her back to find out if she sent the email to everybody in the LA area or just a select few. I hope she sent it to everybody because I'd hate to think she chose me because she thought my profile could use a lot of help from Dr. Phil. Moved to folder: Should I? Six months from now I'll probably be begging for his help.

EMAIL #2: There's nothing really wrong with this profile. The guy looks pretty hot in his picture (though his main picture is obviously several years older than his other ones). The fact that he says he's 33, looking for women aged 25-43 makes me wonder if he's lying about his age. There's nothing wrong with the fact that he's open to women 10 years his senior, it's just a bit unusual. I certainly wouldn't reject a guy based on my uninformed guess that he's fudging his age. But I will reject a guy when the bulk of his narrative consists of: ... its ok to pursue the home, car, kids etc. There's nothing wrong with pursuing those things, but the white picket fence just isn't what I want. Moved to folder: Not looking to be June Cleaver.

Obviously I changed the design of my blog. I felt the old layout required too much scrolling and I didn't like having the same design as so many other people here. I figured just like my match profile, my blog needed to be a little different.

Dr. Phil Humor Dating advcie Personals Relationships Dating

Day 10: And She's Off!

2005-11-27T20:16:00.000-08:00

Match.com stats:
Total profile views: 840 ( 79 since yesterday)
New emails: 2 ("tempura" count: 4/14, sent email: 1)
New winks: 3
Optimism level: Made the jump. Where's the damn safety net?

Last night I scrapped my old profile narrative and made a brand new one. I'm glad I did. The one that's been viewable for the last week was basically the same one I used when I briefly tried Match a few years ago. It was too much about what I like and not enough about who I am. And it sounded like everybody else's narrative: "I'm smart and fun and generally perfect and I enjoy fine wine with a fine man while we rapel from the side of a cliff down to my favorite skiing location. Blah, blah, blah." I injected a lot more of my personality and sense of humor into it while cutting it down in length. In case you're wondering, it's not the personality you might detect from my blog. I would say that my harshness and sarcasm in here are about two notches higher than the real me (well, I actually do regularly think a lot of things I've written here, but I usually don't verbalize them). The new profile is a little closer to what they could expect in person.

I know my new narrative could turn some people away and that's great. In my old profile, I think I tried too hard to seem agreeable to everybody. But I don't need the whole world to like me. I'm looking for somebody specific. In the new version it's obvious that I'm feisty and I want a man who likes that kind of woman.

I decided to send out just one email today- to "Homer," the guy I think I used to know. I mentioned some things we have in common, kept the humor to a minimum and said that I thought we'd get along well and included my email address. If he'd been some random stranger, the whole email would have been about one paragraph, which I think is a good length. But then I stated that I think I know him. I wrote a few more lines regarding whether "warthen" meant anything to him (the name of someone I think we're mutual friends with) and sent the email off.

A few hours later, I signed on to Match and realized my profile was hidden. I'd taken a reader's suggestion to hide my profile while I view other people's pictures so they wouldn't be able to see me as having viewed their profile. Stupid me didn't change my profile setting back to "visible" when I was done, possibly missing out on some prime weekend traffic to my page. Oh well, live and learn. It was a bit surprising when, just a short time later, I received a reply from "Homer." He wrote:

Warthen, yeah, I know that name.
How do I know you?
Tell me.
It's killing me.
For the love of god.
Tell me.

I thought his response was pretty funny, but now I'm not sure if he was able to view my picture and profile or not. I'll wait a few more hours before responding so I don't seem like a complete loser sitting with my laptop anxiously awaiting Match replies. Even though I am.

EMAIL #1: Tempura! This guy read my narrative but unfortunately, he's another fortysomething guy with a porn 'stache. I just can't. Moved to folder: Needs to follow in Tom Selleck's footsteps.

EMAIL #2: Another tempura. Now we're getting somewhere. This guy opened his email by complimenting me for being articulate and for avoiding spelling and grammatical errors. This made me feel better about the letter I sent yesterday because now I know for sure I'm not the only lunatic who appreciates that. This guy's a real dilemma. I really liked his letter and profile and he has a great smile. But he's an inch shorter than me. I don't think I've mentioned the fact that I'm pretty tall, which is yet another obstacle for me in finding a match. An inch shorter isn't a problem for me, but I understand that a lot of guys lie about their height on Match. so there's always that concern he might be two or three inches shorter. I'll trust that he's telling the truth. The other thing is that he's balding and it's the waning-crescent-moon-shaped balding I'm not too fond of. He, like most guys, would be much sexier if he shaved it all off. On the other hand, he kind of looks like the type of guy I'd like to end up with. Even though I have a taste for the pretty boys, let's face it, guys who have women throwing themselves at them are more likely to cheat than average joes, simply because of opportunity. It's just hard to get things started in a situation like this with someone for whom I don't have that initial strong attraction. There's also the fact that he says he wants children and at 41, he probably shouldn't waste his time dating somebody who doesn't. If I reply, do I mention that? It's such a weird thing to include in a first email, "Hi, you seem interesting and I'd like to meet you, but be advised my uterus is closed for business." Finally, he lists the age range for women he wants to date at 27-37. I'm always a bit curious about guys who are looking for women much younger and aren't even open to women their own age, much less older. Maybe he wants women of child-rearing age or maybe he's looking for a trophy wife. Hard to tell. Moved to folder: Decide within 48 hours.

I'm looking forward to receiving "Homer's" next email. I expect that by tomorrow I'll either be heading toward my first date or dealing with my first rejection. Could I possibly make a hit on the first attempt? Nothing ever comes easy for me so I'm not getting my hopes up.

Day 9: The Last Delay

2005-11-26T17:41:00.000-08:00

Match.com stats:
Total profile views: 761 (106 since yesterday)
New emails: 0 ("tempura" count: 2/12)
New winks: 4
Optimism level: I need an unsend button.

Well, today I did something that could land me in some guy's blog of Match.com horror stories. I've been feeling bad about not responding to the emails. I could have used Match's pre-made rejection messages ("Thanks for writing me, but unfortunately, we're not a good match"). But it seemed to me to be the equivalent of saying, "Your pictures suck, there's nothing you could say in writing to change that." So I decided to write my own little pre-made rejection letter- informing them it was a form letter so they wouldn't take it personally- listing some of the main reasons why I would normally pass on someone's email. I mentioned the lack of a photo and compatibility conflicts as the main issues. I also mentioned the "tempura" thing and the fact that I (and possibly others) see major spelling and grammatical errors as either laziness or ignorance. Finally, I said that it never hurts to include a regular email address. I avoided the caustic writing style you're all accustomed to- really, I can do that- and said it all as nicely as possible, wishing them luck in their search.

I KNOW that it was unnecessary to tell them all this. I KNOW some of my reasons sound anal and admitted that in my letter. I had nothing to gain by writing this (since I'd already chosen to reject them). I'm the type of person who likes answers. So if somebody told me there was some minor detail I could change to improve my chances of meeting a match, I'd be happy to hear it. But I forgot most people don't want to hear it. They'd rather be oblivous to their flaws and continue to make the same mistakes over and over to their own detriment.

I figured some people might consider me arrogant for writing the letter, which doesn't matter to me. If one person read it and decided, "Maybe I should add a photo or spellcheck my profile," then it's improved that person's chances of finding a partner. I didn't expect the email I received a short time later from the guy who wrote to me on day #2 with, "Do you like french fries?" He just spewed a bunch of insults at me, so I had to respond.

His first statement was in response to my suggestion of including an email address: Now if someone cannot pay a small fee per month to find the love of their life, are the really worth your time?

So I replied: There are a lot of reasons why someone might not CURRENTLY have a subscription, but like I said, it NEVER HURTS to include your email address. I'm sure anybody would pay to find the love of their life. Not everbody wants to pay to respond to inquiries like, "Do you like french fries?" (Yeah, that wasn't very nice, but it made me snicker- and he wasn't very nice to me first).

I explained that my intentions in sending the letter were good, then wrote: I'm sorry you felt my comments warranted insults from you. But considering the fact that the ONLY thing on my list you got right was including a photo, perhaps you should do yourself a favor and consider that my knowledge of what women want is probably better than yours.

Seriously, this guy's profile had spelling errors galore, he didn't include "tempura" and just about every answer in our profiles indicated we want completely different things. To top it off, he's two years younger than what I said I'm looking for. I closed by wishing him luck, but I really didn't mean it.

I guess I'll try the Match.com rejections in the future.

I had planned to start sending out a few emails today but then I had second thoughts about my profile narrative. There seems to be too much, "I like," "I want," "The right guy should" and not enough evidence of a personality. So I'll tweak it tonight then send out the first batch of letters tomorrow.

Right now there are four guys who really appeal to me, plus the guy I used to know (I'll call him "Homer"). Then there are two others who also seem like good catches but may not see me as a good match (one wants kids, the other sounds like he's not into white chicks). So tomorrow I'll write to those two guys first and see what kind of a response I get. I figure if either of them shows any interest, that's a good sign that perhaps at least one of the four who seem like better matches will also be interested. Tomorrow I'll also email "Homer" because, based on his profile, he sounds like an almost perfect match. My only real concern with him is that his profile shows he has not logged on in two to three weeks. I just have to hope his lack of activity is not due to finding somebody else. That would be just my luck.

Finally, this is the first day that I didn't receive ANY emails. NONE. ZILCH. Maybe the word is out that an email to me could result in an unwanted response from me. I'm just glad there's no "comments" section on my Match profile.

Match Humor Blog Personals Relationships Dating

Day 8: Countdown to Rejection

2005-11-25T19:45:00.000-08:00

Match.com stats:
Total profile views: 655 (130 since yesterday)
New emails: 2 ("tempura" count: 2/13)
New winks: 5
Optimism level: Things seem to be picking up.

I'm sure my blog is becoming a bit redundant; guy sends me an email and I pick it apart. But as I mentioned, I've been holding off on contacting prospective matches because of the holiday. In the next couple days, I'll begin my initial assault. I've decided not to start with the most desirable prospects. Instead, I'll send a few emails out to guys who seem date-worthy, but who may not view me as the greatest match for them. Depending on their response (or lack of response), I may adjust my profile and/or photos before going after the top guns.

I came across a very interesting profile today. Over the last few days, I've been going through my list of guys who passed the "appearance-doesn't-make-me-giggle-or-vomit" test. I checked out their profiles and removed the ones with no potential. I found one with a picture that didn't entice me, but a profile that did. We have very similar interests and even in his short answers, I detected we have similar senses of humor. Not only that, he's agnostic and probably doesn't want kids. Ding ding! I decided to check out his other pictures (which, of course, meant exposing my identity to him if he has a subscription). The other pictures were not very good, in fact three of the four were borderline goofy. But I quickly realized...

I know him from somewhere.

I racked my brain for a couple hours before realizing we're in the same profession and I had the hots for him about 7-8 years ago! I don't think I really knew him, maybe we met a couple times, but I remember discussing him with a mutual friend who told me he was in a serious relationship. I'm guessing he ended up marrying the girl because his marital status is listed as "divorced." The fact that he's a good-looking guy but chose to submit sub-par pictures made him even more appealing to me. This may seem contrary to what I've said about submitting attractive pictures, but that applies mostly to people who rank below an 8 on the appearance scale. The 8's, 9's and certainly the 10's who downplay their good looks get major brownie points in my book. I definitely plan to contact him in the first round of emails- maybe even tomorrow- I just have to figure out what approach to take.

EMAIL #1: They say "timing is everything" and this guy must have viewed my profile about half an hour too late. I felt that my narrative was too wordy so I cut out a lot of specifics. One of my comments was in regards to the fact that I cringe when guys needlessly mention their possessions in a conversation. I decided that information wasn't essential, so I removed it and sent the revised edition to Match for approval. A short time later, I received this guy's email and found this opening statement in his profile: I currently live between two townhouses He mentioned the cities they're located in so I'll give him the benefit of the doubt that he's indicating his availability to date women from a large area. Fine. But then he wrote: I own two cars and driving is not a major issue if there is a connection For the life of me, I can't figure out why he needed to mention he has two cars. Is it to let me know that if he wears out one commuting to our dates he has a backup? Suggesting you're wealthy is certainly an effective way for guys to meet women, but are those the kind of women guys are looking for? I like a rich dude as much as anybody but I like to discover he's loaded- I don't want him to tell me he is. I also found it odd that a statement in his email indicated he read at least half of my narrative, but I'm not sure if he read to the end because he didn't include "tempura." The rest of his profile sounded quite good, though he's at the top of my age range (44). Moved to folder: Maybe if everybody else rejects me and my car breaks down.

EMAIL #2: This email had the subject, "coffee." Why not "tempura"? Because nobody reads the damn narrative. He didn't include a picture so he's automatically history. Moved to folder: He's wasting his time.

This is a little weird. One of the winks I received today came from the guy I emailed two days ago telling him I'm not interested. I know I gave credit yesterday to the other guy who winked at me after he emailed me, but that's because I never responded to his email. This guy got a response and came back with a wink. Maybe it's just to say he received my email and all is good. Or maybe I haven't heard the last from him.

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Day 7: Still Holding

2005-11-24T20:19:00.000-08:00

Match.com stats:
Total profile views: 525 ( 59 since yesterday)
New emails: 1 ("tempura" count: 2/11)
New winks: 4
Optimism level: They're all turkeys.

One of the winks came from the guy on day #2 who emailed me saying my profile was "seductive." I have to give him points for following up and for replacing his main picture in which he'd worn sunglasses. There's still no interest, but if he makes 5 or 10 more improvements, I might just browse his profile.

Last night, I added a guy to my favorites list, planning to check him out further this weekend. When I logged on to Match today, his photo was gone, replaced with the ominous message, "This member is no longer available." No explanation, no forwarding address. It was as if he'd sent a wink to Mrs. Soprano and was sent to that online dating site in the sky. R.I.P. Romantic_Greek-I hope you find the pickings are better wherever you are.

EMAIL #1: The first sentence of this email said: Nice Profile, enjoyed reading all ..... So I scanned the rest. No tempura. Maybe the three dots meant, "enjoyed reading all... the way down to your screen name but I didn't bother to read past that." The bulk of his letter consisted of: I also find that email correspondence does become rather pointless, time consuming, impersonal and seems to rarely lead to anything.... and left his phone number (!) requesting me to call him (!) or, if it makes me more comfortable, I could give him my number(!)(!)(!) At a certain point you have to reveal some personal information but introducing yourself and immediately giving out your phone number is just not wise for men or women. I also disagree with his attitude toward email as I think email's the ideal way to get things started. For me, it's convenient because I write well, type almost as fast as I speak and hate talking on the phone with strangers. But the advantage to all parties is that you're never catching somebody at a bad time and you have a chance to edit your thoughts before they reach the other person. That's why, when someone says something lame in an email, that red flag instantly goes up. It tells me that even when given the opportunity to portray themselves in the best light possible, they still come across as a jackass. This guy wasn't quite at the jackass level and I really do want to make an effort here, so I checked out his profile. It started out all right then it said:

and no more writing about myself, thank you - Ask me on a date so you can find out for yourself what I am like.

I should ask HIM out? I'm a strong, independent woman but I'm looking for a man to be the MAN. This is one of those situations where the little winking emoticon would have been a good idea, but he gave no indication he was trying to be cute.

After stating "no more writing about myself," he then filled in the next category with MORE sentences about himself. It wouldn't be so bad if not for the fact that his sales pitch was under the category, "What's the last thing you read?" (Apparently, his own profile). Later, he mentioned that he can't multi-task, which is a quality I know would frustrate me and listed "sarcasm" as a turnoff. Gee, I'm sure he'd love me. Moved to folder: Sorry, wrong number.

Since it's Thanksgiving, I guess I should thank those who have taken to the time to leave comments. The positive words have been a bit surprising since I sort of expected people to read my blog and say, "No wonder you're still single." I guess the ones thinking that just aren't adding comments. But I appreciate the support and hope to soon share with you stories about the first date, the first sexual encounter and the inevitable break-up. Hopefully they won't all occur on the same night.

Day 6: In a Holding Pattern

2005-11-23T18:18:00.000-08:00

Match.com stats:
Total profile views: 466 (75 since yesterday)
New emails: 2 ("tempura" count: 2/10)
New winks: 3
Optimism level: Nothing to be thankful for...yet

I seem to recall that when I tried Match the first time, I received around 7-10 emails a day instead of the two or three I'm getting this time. Maybe it's because of Thanksgiving being tomorrow or maybe it's due to the fact I'm three years older.

I really hope it's because of the holiday.

I do think that's a possible reason because I know I'm waiting until the weekend before I make any moves. Right now I'm adding the profiles that look decent to my favorites. The ones that look really good, I'm visiting uncloaked. The hope, of course, is that they'll see I checked out their profile and then they'll contact me. But it's never that easy for me so I'm sure I'll have to suck it up and send them the first email.

There are a couple of factors that make my search for a companion particularly difficult: I don't want children and I don't believe in God. I was somewhat ambiguous in my profile responses to these questions, but I think clear enough for the bible-thumping Mr. Brady wannabes to figure out I'm not the one for them. Normally these issues wouldn't be a problem in a dating situation, but it's hard to figure out what people are looking for online. Match has made a HUGE mistake in neglecting the question, "What kind of relationship are you interested in?" Shouldn't that be the very first question? The options could be: sex buddy, casual dating, committed relationship, possibly marriage, definitely marriage and definitely marriage to a rich guy in an equitable property state. I'd select dating, relationship and possibly marriage.

But in typical white trash fashion, Match skips the importance of the relationship and delves into popping out bambinos. There are several options from which to choose. "Don't want to have kids" indicates there will be absolutely no rug rats jumping on his leather sofas. "Probably not" tells me he doesn't foresee having kids but there's a small yet unlikely chance that in 10 years he'll want to trade in his Harley for a baby buggy. "Not sure" says he doesn't coo over his friends' babies' pictures but it's possible he'd coo over his own. Then there are the "someday" and "definitely" options. I'm really not sure what the difference between them is. If a person's not definite he someday wants kids, he belongs in the "unsure" category. Maybe it's just some subtle difference where "someday" means he'd like to enjoy the newlywed stage a little while and "definitely" means he's already on a waiting list for Lamaze classes. (Oh, I shouldn't forget there's also the "any" option, which says, "I'm a big pussy and I'll do whatever the woman wants"). At this point, I'm automatically removing the guys who answered "definitely" but I'll leave things open for all the others, even the "any" pussies. Maybe they've got an excuse.

EMAIL #1: There were no glaring flaws in his email, picture or profile but there were lots of little things that gave me the overall impression I wouldn't be comfortable with him. Normally when someone writes me and I see no potential, I don't respond. But I read this in his profile:

will always reply to people as I feel if you bother to write its only polite to write back, don't like people who are on this site and dont respond then why are you here

(Yes, I noticed the fact that one misplaced comma was the extent of his punctuation but didn't consider it a "glaring" flaw). I decided to respond and politely informed him that I didn't think we'd be compatible (without giving reasons). I could have said, "Why should I bother to respond when your omission of my code word shows you obviously didn't bother to read my whole profile?" But I have no reason to be a jerk and inclusion of the code word really isn't a make-or-break issue. I did, however, mention the fact that a lot of people on Match don't have subscriptions so they can't reply. I'm seriously amazed that others don't seem to grasp this concept. Of the 10 emails I've received this go 'round, NONE have included their email address. I also explained that the reasons why someone doesn't think they'll be compatible may not be personal, just that they're looking for something different, and that it's awkward to reply with a simple "no, thanks" and no reason. Moved to folder: He got his one and only reply.

EMAIL #2: This is the first email I've received from someone with whom I see any sort of potential. Don't get too excited for me. I didn't go, "Wow!" but at least I didn't go "Ugh!" So that's a big step up. His main picture is just okay but decent enough that if he had an amazing personality I could go for him, though I didn't see much indication of an amazing personality in his profile. However, we are in agreement in some of the challenging lifestyle choices so I'm not sure what to do with him just yet. Moved to folder: Simmer on it for awhile.

I expect tomorrow will be a slow day as it seems a little strange to be trying to pick someone up on Thanksgiving. I don't imagine my perfect match is the kind of guy to tell the family, "Can you hold off on carving the turkey? I have three more winks to send."

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Day 5: A Picture's Worth 1000 Words (And Doesn't Make Spelling Errors)

2005-11-22T19:03:00.000-08:00

Match.com stats:
Total profile views: 391 (83 since yesterday)
New emails: 1
New winks: 0
Optimism level: Attention drifting to humorously bad profiles

I haven't received any winks since the first day. It occurred to me that all the winks came in the wee hours of Saturday morning when I happened to be logged on to Match. It made me wonder if the four guys who sent them had been out at the singles bars with no luck, logged on to Match and found me logged on, then sent me a wink hoping I'd receive it and immediately invite them over for a quickie. I seriously wouldn't put that thought process past the average guy.

EMAIL #1: Today's lone email's subject was titled: Your such a Hottie:} and the body said: You seem like a down to earth person:} This is the picture from his profile. No, he's not a member of "Blue Man Group." I did that part, but he's responsible for the rest of this visual disaster. First let me state that you can upload multiple pictures. The main picture is available for anybody to view while the rest require a subscription to be seen. Maybe this guy submitted this photo to show he has a sense of humor. If that's the case, it should be added to the "extras" while his best picture should be placed on the front page. This picture was so good (in a bad way), I had to check his profile to see if he's a big jokester. I read nothing even remotely amusing. 90% of the Match profiles mention how hilarious they are (even though only about 40% show any sort of indication it's true) but this guy didn't even attempt to sell himself as funny. While reading his comments, it was obvious to me that he was a foreigner struggling with some words. Then I read he was born and raised in Chicago. Broken English is cute from a foreigner, not from an American. Moved to folder: Don't need a pimp.

His email and profile highlight some of the many mistakes men make in their profile submissions that I want to address for those of you considering the online dating route. As for the text, if you're not a good writer, get someone to help you with it. At the very least, use spellcheck. One of the major pitfalls to online dating for me is that I see poor grammar and writing skills as ignorance or laziness (or both). Typos and the occasional error, I can deal with. Indications that you never completed the third grade, I can't. I also suggest keeping Internet cliches (like emoticons or "LOL") to a minimum. They're pretty girlie.

Also, while completing the profile, try to avoid drunken blackouts in the process as it can screw with the continuity. I can't tell you how many profiles I've seen with the following:

Do you want kids? Not sure
How many? 2

They're not sure if they want kids, but it's definitely two kids they're not sure of wanting.

I could go on and on about photo mistakes, but I'll just mention the biggies. I appreciate it when guys submit body shots so we can inspect the whole package. But those shirtless pictures they apparently took for their failed Chippendale audition just say, "CHEESEBALL." It doesn't matter how great your physique is, put on a tank top- we'll still get the idea. Also on the cheeseball front: pictures of you on your cell phone or pictures of you with material possessions like a fancy car. Then there are the baseball cap pictures. We know, we know- you're balding. Balding isn't always a bad thing, but we need to see if you're handling it in a sexy way or in a tufts-of-hair or combover way. The self-taken picture isn't a huge problem, but it's easy to hold the camera in a position that doesn't make it obvious you took it yourself. At least try to give the illusion that there's some other human in this world who would want to take your picture. The final photo issue is the one with the ex-girlfriend hanging all over you. If that's the best picture you can find of yourself, snip her out. I don't need to see her and I'm sure she doesn't want to be used in your advertising to replace her.

Is it asking too much for just a simple face shot?

I know I should be focusing on the positive instead of the negative, but sometimes a bunch of tiny negatives make it difficult to appreciate one big positive. While I doubt my profile is the epitome of the perfect profile, hopefully I've avoided any cringe-worthy elements that could be included in some guy's online dating blog.

Day 4: Baby Steps

2005-11-21T16:10:00.000-08:00

Match.com stats:
Total profile views: 308 (69 since yesterday)
New emails: 3
New winks: 0
Optimism level: Already checking out other dating sites.

I realized that today is the last chance I have to change or cancel my subscription (I signed up for six months) so I decided to look into eHarmony and see what they have to offer. I spent about 20 minutes filling out their personality test and learned that, yes, I have a personality. But apparently, I have TOO MUCH personality because they could only find two matches for me in the entire greater Los Angeles area. I don't know why they even told me about the two matches. They could have just said, "Keep your 50 bucks- there's nothing we can do for you." I guess I'll stay at Match, but I'm shortening my subscription to three months.

The page views went way down today, which I'll attribute to the fact that weekend numbers are probably somewhat inflated so I shouldn't expect as much on the weekdays. I did a little bit of searching today, mostly viewing the profiles of guys who checked out mine. But this time I figured out a system to retain some privacy: I kept the list of screen names open in Firefox where I was signed in, then opened their profiles in Internet Explorer with cookies disabled so there would be no evidence it was me checking them out. It's my way of avoiding the appearance of interest to those I'm not interested in and avoiding the appearance of desperation to those I am interested in. I guess it doesn't really make sense to play hard-to-get when the mere presence of a public listing basically says, "Somebody...anybody...love me! PLEASE!!!" But I have to play a little bit cool.

EMAIL #1: Finally somebody included my code word "tempura" in an email! Unfortunately, nothing in his profile indicates we'd be remotely compatible. He's also four years older than the age range I listed and he's clinging to a '70's porn star moustache. I really don't care for facial hair though I can tolerate a small stylish moustache or goatee if I have to. But the porn 'stache? There are so many things wrong with it that I can't get past. I think this photo proves my aversion is justifiable. Moved to folder: Not looking for Ron Jeremy.

EMAIL #2: This guy's seven years older than my age range and I didn't find him attractive in the main photo. But he looks younger than his age and he included "tempura" in his brief email so I decided to check out his profile (in stealth mode, of course). He seems like a pretty good catch on paper (lawyer, attended Yale and Harvard, similar religious and political beliefs). However, his profile text sounds like he lives a lifestyle I might want 20-30 years from now, but may be too slow and mundane for me right now. Moved to folder: Decent catch- for someone else.

EMAIL #3: No picture, no tempura, so he's out of the running, but I still have to comment on the letter. Actually, it was more of a novella he sent me. Now, given all the rejection and unanswered emails, it's understandable to want to cut and paste your basic email. But I think it's a good idea to personalize it in some small way. This guy's unabashed in his unoriginality, writing in his profile: Send me a wink or a mail and i send you the complete letter, this is just a quick view and some notes from that letter. Then he quotes excerpts from it- as if any woman would write to him requesting "The Letter." In the unabridged letter (which he deemed me worthy of receiving without asking), he mentions that he just moved to L.A. from another country and writes: It would be nice to meet You, or maybe some people who can help me grow in the LA jungle. I guess it's smart to keep your options open, but he might as well write, "If you're not interested, do you have any friends you could pass me on to?" If my mind had not already been made up about him, this statement would have surely done it: Never had any problems to fish the pool of dating girls (at the end, when they know me, the prefer to go out with me, because I was so special, : Franco, I don't know what it is, but you are amazing..wow. So I dumped them..amazing.pffftttt). Moved to folder: Who does he think he is?

My prospects are not looking good.

Day 3: Tapering off Already?

2005-11-20T20:17:00.000-08:00

Match.com stats:
Total profile views: 239 (127 since yesterday)
New emails: 1
New winks: 0
Optimism level: Does my profile say I beat puppies?

Wow. Only 48 hours into this journey and compared to yesterday, I'm down two emails and four winks (though I got an extra 15 page views). Perhaps on this, the day of the Lord, more people were searching for a soul mate but determined I'm just a soulless heathen.

The one email I received failed to include my code word "tempura" but did include this opener: You have an intriguing and refreshingly candid profile. Dare I say, even somewhat seductive. ....

No, he shouldn't have dared. There's absolutely nothing seductive about my profile so now he just seems creepy. And he's wearing sunglasses in his photo. Moved to folder: Slither away lounge lizard.

I had a busy day so I was unable to browse the profiles of my potential matches, but I plan to really begin my search tomorrow.

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Day 2: The First 24 Hours

2005-11-19T20:21:00.000-08:00

Match.com stats:
Total profile views: 112
New emails: 3
New winks: 4
Optimism level: It's only the first day.

Today I did my first search for a suitable mate. The initial set of criteria brought 340 possible matches so I had to chop it down to a manageable number. I started by weeding out everybody I couldn't possibly imagine having sex with. Let's face it, if the main picture a guy chooses to represent himself shows absolutely no potential, it's not likely there will be any improvement in person. I'm trying not to be too picky on looks (which has been my downfall in the past), but online personals just don't afford one the opportunity to win another over with a fabulous personality. I don't need an immediate or strong attraction, just a lack of repulsion.

Match has made searching easier by adding the option to remove someone's profile from all searches. It's quite convenient. There were several borderline cases so I opened their profiles to see if their other photos offered any hope of making it to the next round. What I didn't realize is that Match also implemented a sort of stalker awareness program where you can see all those with profiles who have viewed your profile. In addition, Match suggests, "Take a moment to send these people an email. Since they're already interested, chances are, you'll get a "hello" in return." Lovely. Now a bunch of guys whose profiles I viewed merely to determine if there's enough alcohol in the world for me to sleep with them think I've got the hots for them. I'll have to figure out a new covert way to view profiles.

Through the "remove" option, I knocked the list down to about 180 candidates worthy of further investigation. I felt a bit like Simon Cowell telling people, "You're going to Hollywood!" Except it would be Simon Cowell telling that to random people on the street who weren't even auditioning for American Idol and may or may not have any interest in going to Hollywood

On to the stats. In the first 24 hours, my profile received 112 page views. Of those views, roughly 20 had profiles and only one looked to have any real potential (it was one of the few hotties I'd checked out). Any interest there? Stay tuned. Is 112 views in 24 hours a lot? It sounds like a lot to me but I couldn't help but wonder if Match simply bumped up the number just to make me think there are a lot of guys checking me out so I'd extend my subscription another year or so. Heck, for all I know, those page views could have been from guys trying to weed me off their "borderline" list!

As for the three emails I received...

EMAIL #1: No photo included. Who doesn't know the cardinal rule of online dating: INCLUDE A PHOTO! In his profile he claims that he supervises a lot of people in the area so he's not sure if he'll post his picture. It's not like you're soliciting hookers, buddy. And if you're too scared to show your picture, I'm too scared to see it. There's nothing anyone could write in a profile that would intrigue me to the point I'd bother to ask for a photo. Well, maybe if he wrote, "I was one of the original stars of ER then enjoyed big screen success in Three Kings and Ocean's Twelve," or "I just divorced Jennifer Aniston." Maybe then I'd ask for a photo. Moved to folder: Out of site, out of my inbox.

EMAIL #2: This one simply said: Good Morning! Way to dig deep within for that communication attempt. Moved to folder: I hate mornings.

EMAIL #3:The last email asked only: Do you like french fries? I'm not sure if he was being playful with my code word "tempura" or if he's just a guy hoping to build a relationship on a foundation of shared appreciation for foods containing trans-fatty acids. Moved to folder: Fast food employees need not apply.

Finally, I received four winks. Basically, anybody can send a wink to another person with a profile, whether they have a membership or not. There's no exchange of words, it's just a non-verbal way of saying, "I'm interested, check out my profile." But it says a couple other things to me as well, like "I don't know how to start a conversation so the ball's in your court" or "I'm too cheap to pay for a subscription so this is the only way I have of contacting you." Whatever the reason for the wink, a guy would have to seem pretty spectacular for me to initiate a conversation and he'd have to give me a really good reason for the wink or I'd have a hard time getting past the negative first impression.

Over the next few days, I'll invest more time reviewing the profiles of my potential matches.

Day 1: Writing the Profile

2005-11-18T18:26:00.000-08:00

I'm taking the plunge...again. I tried Match.com a few years ago with no success. I actually went out with three guys I met online and surprisingly, they were decent guys with good jobs. I didn't feel chemistry with any of them, but I'd certainly set them up with friends. For reasons I don't recall, I abandoned the Match scene. My return is due to the fact that I can't seem to meet any halfway decent guys using my current dating method which is the equivalent of the birth control method, "coming inside a woman." In other words, totally ineffective. Here I begin the tale of my latest online dating journey...

Filling out the profile was a bit of a challenge. You have to walk the delicate line of being honest and not being too honest. The first dilemma was the question, "What best describes your body type?" The first four choices are "slender," "athletic and toned," "about average," and "a few extra pounds." From there I'm offered various euphemisms for "fat." In any other city, I'd probably be considered "slender" although I'd like to lose a few pounds. But how can I possibly put myself in the only category for which Lara Flynn's Boyle's eligible? Maybe they need to add one more category for people like her such as "fashionably anorexic" so that I can call myself "slender." Since I'm no hard body, I settled for "about average." But an inspection of my competition showed that some women carrying an extra 20 pounds just in their face chose the same option. If they want to set themselves up for disappointment, so be it, but no reason I should do the same. "About average" it is.

On the same lines is the question "How often do you exercise?" My old answer said, "3-4 times a week," which was the truth at the time, but I stopped my gym membership about a year ago and have yet to join a new one so now my exercise regime is non-existant (though, strangely, I see no noticeable difference in my body shape). But I can't just admit to being a complete sloth so I answered with "1-2 times per week."

The next obstacle was the question "Do you smoke?" Actually, I do. But I'm the type that's more addicted to the act of smoking than the nicotine. Basically, I never crave a smoke but in moments of boredom it suddenly seems like the right thing to do. I'm more than happy to not smoke around a guy (or possibly quit altogether) so I see no reason to completely kill my dating chances with selections like "regularly" or even "occasionally" therefore I put "no way." If the Camryn Manheim look-a-like can call herself "about average," then I can be a "no way" smoker.

Next I had to write about who I am and what I'm looking for in a man. I think I was pretty open and honest about everything. Right now I'm optimistic enough about my prospects not to sugarcoat anything, but who knows? In a few weeks I might start lying my ass off just to get some sort of response. At the end of my intro, I asked respondents to include the word "tempura" in their correspondence with me. It's just a way to see whose quest for true love is worth reading 500 characters of text.

I don't expect to see the word "tempura" in many emails.

Well, the profile and a few pictures are up. I guess it's now in the hands of the Internet dating gods what happens from here.

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